


Shifting Structures

by samaya



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Angst, Beta Wanted, Body Horror, Dark, Dark Jared Padalecki, Dubious Consent, Forced Bonding, M/M, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-08
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-03-16 22:06:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 34
Words: 39,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3504434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samaya/pseuds/samaya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen's scent changes, mutates. That's the first indication.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Not beta'd.
> 
> I've never written dark!Jared before because it is not my cup of tea. I wanted to read some dark fic with a potential happy ending that does not turn into the Stockholm syndrome variety, so I wrote this one. I'll post more in coming days.

His scent changes. That’s the first indication.

The sharp smell of change lingers in the air, persistent like blood oozing from a stab wound. There are other smells in the room, they compete for his attention, then ultimately fail. Smell of sex, smell of alpha and finally the smell of a newly made omega.

Jensen supposes he smells all sweet and sugary now, exactly like the omegas he used to chase in the past. The spicy smell of alpha remains in the room, suffocating and reminding him of the things he lost, reminding him of the betrayal. Jared isn’t present at the moment, but, Jensen can taste him in his mouth, bitter.

Maybe this is Jared’s idea of mercy. By not being here, sparing Jensen the humiliation of the change, giving him a moment of peace. Maybe he is waiting outside for his bitch to go into his first heat. Of course that is what he is doing.

Jensen’s body is a mass of pain. Everything hurts, burns, aches. His ribs are tender from their fight, Jared’s fists an imprint on pale skin. His lips are cut, bruised, bleeding. His throat covered in purple marks. There are other places from where he is bleeding too, but, he prefers not to think of that for now. It is of no use, really.

Jensen doesn’t have any tears left to shed, not anymore. He held out for the longest time, fought like the alpha he wasn’t anymore. Kicked and bit, stubborn to the core, against someone who was bigger than him, who was ready. But ultimately he lost, he lost everything and that is what mattered. That is what always matters.

A thousand if’s surround him, like vultures waiting for the death of an animal. Regrets are his only companions. Now, after tonight, he can look back and truly see. Now, he can understand the signs all over the place, scattered like nails.

There is a fire in his veins, something that is inexplicable yet painful. His body is the fuel; his insides rearrange themselves as the change continues. His skin burns with a fever, his mind clouds with the first signs of lust. His heart sinks with the realization.

Oh no. This must be heat. His first heat.

 

 

The door opens with a soft creak. Jensen is unaccustomed to the fear that threatens to drown him.

Jared stands at the door. His best friend of fifteen years stands there and looks at him with the eyes that belong to a stranger. An alpha stands at the door.

“Looking good, Jenny,” He says and Jensen flinches.

Jenny. Jared knew how much he hated that name, knew how much he disliked it when people used that, either to tease him or mock him. To mock his looks. All the time insinuating that he would fare better if he were to turn, if he were to become an omega, since those bow-legs and that cute ass are just asking for a hard fucking. No man should look like that, no sir, those cock sucking lips are just asking for trouble. No alpha should be this pretty, it’s unnatural, that’s what it is.

Jensen supposes it doesn’t mean anything now. Now, he is no longer an Alpha, so it should not matter what Jared calls him. But it does.

When Jensen doesn’t answer, Jared continues.

“I can smell you, Jenny. Going into heat, aren’t you. My beautiful bitch, bet you are all empty now, bet you are wanting a hard knotting,”

Jared is closer now, his hands huge on Jensen’s smaller frame, his lips on Jensen’s lips, biting and owning. His touch is cool on Jensen’s heat fevered skin, like the cool wind in the hot summer sun. Jensen’s body responds, bound to its nature. His mind is another matter. Jensen tugs at him with feeble hands, unsure of his own intentions. Jared just doesn’t care.

This man used to be Jensen’s best friend, fellow comrade in arms. This man used to be someone Jensen trusted, loved like a brother. This is the man who betrayed him. This is the man who drugged and changed him, who raped him.

What does that says about Jensen?

Like tears there are no words to be said. All of them were used, all of them were unheard. Jensen, at first thought of whole thing as a joke, it never occurred to him that Jared might’ve interested in him like that. Then he stopped Jared’s advances with somewhat angry words, already slurring with the effect of drugs. Then, he cried and begged, but, of course it was of no use.

_You are my best friend, what are you doing?_

_I have a girlfriend, I’m engaged._

_I don’t want this. Please._

Now, Jensen doesn’t even bother. There is nothing left to be said, there is nothing that will make a difference. Jared has taken what he wants, he’ll continue to take what he want with the glee of someone who got everything they wanted. The more Jensen struggles, more he gets hurt. Nothing else is going to come out of this.

Jared fucks him, fingers bruising his hipbones and teeth marking his neck in a mating bite. Mating bite, like he has any claim on Jensen, like he dares to own him. When Jared knots him, Jensen doesn’t bare his throat. The slap he gets for his disobedience is painful, but the satisfaction he gets compensates for that.

“You are still tight. How are you so tight, Jenny? I fucked you so good, and you are still tight, so wet, hot like burning, better than I ever imagined,” Whispers in Jensen’s ears.

“I’m gonna breed you, breed you full of my cubs, keep you with me, forever,” Like it is a promise he intends to keep.

Jensen hates his new body, hates the way it responds to Jared, to this alpha. He mourns for the alpha he was, mourns for the friend he lost, tries to think about anything other than what is being done to him. Prays for Jared to finish what he started, cause, he doesn’t want to endure this any longer.

At last the fucking stops. At last the pain recedes. Jared slips out of him, smiles. Jensen’s heart aches, he remembers that smile, dimples and sunshine, from before. From a time when nothing was tainted.

“My bitch,” Jared says, still smiling that smile. But now, Jensen hates it, closes his eyes, drained.

“You know, this silent treatment is not going to work anymore. I can give you some time to adjust, but, sooner or later you’ll have to accept your status.” Jared says like this is something trivial and Jensen is the one who is at the fault. Maybe he believes in that.

“You are mine. Your scent is mingled with mine; your body carries proof of my ownership. I can smell the change on you, your heat is gone now. Don’t you know what that means?” Jared asks.

Jensen knows what that means. Now he allows the tears to fall, unrestrained. The slow burn of heat has left him, his skin cooler now, his body sated. He can sense the sparks inside him, and the nightmare becomes reality in an instant.

He is doomed. He sees that in the triumph smile Jared wears sees that in the arrogant quirk of his neck, broadcasting to the whole world. He imagines Jared telling his friends, the pathetic story of the alpha that was too pretty for his own good. He imagines a litter of cubs, running around with hazel eyes and brown hair, surrounding him and feeding off him like little vampires. Bile rises in his throat, threatens to come out. His body shudders in revulsion.

Jared leaves him, confident and comfortable with the situation. Jensen might be a reluctant omega, might be difficult because he wasn’t turned willingly but he is also carrying Jared’s offspring. He’ll adjust and adapt, will learn to obey his alpha, because of that. He’ll forget his previous life, and will love this new one. That’s what omegas do, that’s what Jensen will do. Ultimately.

Jensen though, has other plans.


	2. Chapter 2

There is something wrong with Jensen. Beside the obvious, that is.

Every morning he wakes up before the dawn and extracts himself from Jared's hold. It is not as easy as he'd like it to be, Jared is a huge, suffocating weight on his side, his arms circle around Jensen's body in a parody of affection. In sleep, Jared looks peaceful, beautiful even. In sleep he looks like an overgrown puppy, utterly devoid of any malaise. It is one of those fleeing moments, where Jensen can still see his long-term friend, can trace the remains of their friendship in the lines of Jared's face. It's probably nothing but an illusion, but it is a comforting one.

It has been two weeks since the change. Two weeks since Jensen lost himself and more importantly lost Jared. He knows that whatever is sleeping beside him at this very moment cannot be his friend, cannot be the very child Jensen used to play with in the past. This man, who sleeps with him and fucks him and kisses him every day, who speaks about the true-love and mating-bonds, who touches his belly every night with infinite care after a particularly rough fucking is not the Jared Jensen knows. Jensen refuses to compare and relate the two creatures.

In his mind there is a before and there is an after. A single incident acts as the barrier between them. There are two versions of Jared there, one good and one bad. Jensen keeps both of them separate, doesn’t want them to mix and taint his memories. For all intent and purposes his best friend died when Jensen changed. Right now, all Jensen has left with is this Jared, this imposter. He can easily imagine the sequence of events; can easily create a scenario to keep this illusion. In the illusion, everything else stays same. Jensen is captured, raped and changed, is held against his will. But the one doing all that is not Jared. In that illusion Jared is dead. And Jensen grieves for him every day.

Because, Jensen still remembers the twenty years that came before these two hellish weeks, remembers a lifetime of friendship and love, remembers the empty stomachs and sleepless nights. It is impossible for him to forget, and it is equally impossible for him to forgive, so he takes the cowardly route and deludes himself.

So that he can hate without feeling the pull of his feelings. Now he can plan his revenge without the barest hint of regrets.

 

Jensen had never considered himself as capable of any kind of deceit, not even when he was too young to understand the meaning of that word. He had always played fair and square, had always thought of being honest as some kind of virtue rather than a flaw. But it seems that he was wrong about that.

He stands in front of the full length mirror and examines himself with a critical eye. On the surface, his body still looks the same, from the scruff on his face to the length of his nails. But a closer inspection reveals disturbing details. His body seems lighter, more delicate in a way it never was before. His chest a little less defined, his arms less muscled, his features more delicate. His eyes are still same, but they look haunted.

Jensen smiles and sees his reflection smiling back. Works hard to keep the bitterness out of his smile, tries hard to keep the boiling rage inside himself til the time is right. Changes his stance and assumes a more demure approach, lowers his eyes like a good omega should. Bites his lower lip in what he hopes to be a seductive manner. At last he sees something that he likes, some expression that is just right, and hopes to practice that to perfection.

“Congratulations, your omega is pregnant,” The doctor had said to Jared after the examination, confirming Jensen’s worst nightmares. He was carrying cubs, more than one, and Jared was proud. Jared was proud because he had managed to knock up his omega in such a short duration of time, and Jensen didn’t show his displeasure.

Not like there was anything Jensen could have done in the first place. He was Jared’s now, his responsibility, his omega. After the pups he will be Jared’s property. His body belonged to Jared, claimed and owned. Single omegas were not common, and the rules were there for the society’s benefit. Nobody wanted an unruly, pregnant omega on their hands.

Now, Jensen touches his belly, searches for the newly made womb there, that place inside him where Jared’s pups are still growing, nourishing. There is no physical indication, not yet, the skin still firm and unblemished, but Jensen knows that little fuckers are inside him, feeding off him at this very moment. Like parasites, they are using him and changing him, bidding their time just like Jared did.  
It is not that Jensen doesn’t have options. He could’ve killed himself after the first week, could’ve tried to kill Jared, and could’ve tried to run away. Only one of these three is remotely feasible and Jensen didn’t want to die. Not like this. Dying didn’t accomplish anything at the end. As long as he lived he had another chance, some hope.

“When can I know about the kids? Can they feel anything?” Jensen had asked the doctor, and Jared was beaming at him with naked joy. Jared had murmured something like motherly instinct and Jensen had barely suppressed his laughter. Motherly instinct, indeed.

“You’ll have to wait for a couple of months before you can really feel them. Right now, they aren’t aware of anything, but in a few weeks they will be. “Doctor, an old man, had babbled on how the cubs aren’t even alive now, and a plan had formed in Jensen’s mind.

He’ll wait for a few more weeks. He’ll wait til they can feel things. He’ll wait til they can feel pain. In the meantime, he’ll carry the parasites like one carries a curse.

The reflection in the mirror smiles at him and Jensen responds in kind. It is a cold smile, chilling to the bone, something that never used to cross his face before. But now it feels right, he wears it like he wears his scars, proud.

Now, he gets back to Jared, ready to perform his morning duties.


	3. Chapter 3

There are times when Jared regrets the choices he made. This is not one of those times.

It’s almost two weeks. Two weeks since Jared’s idea of paradise has come true.

Jared is happy. Jared is in love.

The morning sun rises, trying to fight against the winter chill and barely succeeds. Jared wakes up and reaches for his mate. The place beside him is empty, almost cold to the touch. The sheets still regain Jensen’s smell, sugary sweet omega, and Jared inhales the tantalizing scent. It’s not even six in the morning and Jensen is already up, that is unusual. Jensen was always a late sleeper, grumpy unless he had his morning coffee. Complaining like a kid and mouthing off anyone who dared to wake him up. He can’t believe that Jensen got up so early.

Then again, people change. They adapt and adjust. The alternative is too dire to consider.

Jared knows that Jensen is having a hard time of fitting in his new life. Jensen was always like that, unusually stubborn and combative even when he had no need to be. Never knew when to stop pushing and never knew when to stop fighting. That is one of the reasons why they are in this mess, at the moment.

You see, Jared tried hard, as hard as he could do anyway. Tried to bury all the feelings he had for Jensen for years, tried not to let his eyes wander over handsome features, tried not to kiss those cock-sucking lips at the every possible opportunity. It was so difficult to do that, concealing the lust and love he felt for Jensen from everyone, a real exhausting task. Those lips and those eyes, those bow legs and stunning body, just something tailor-made for Jared, like a fever-dream came true in the morning.

For years he watched everything and didn’t do anything to change the status-quo. Watched Jensen chasing omegas and betas, watched Jensen touching and fucking them like he had any right to do, giving them all what should’ve been Jared’s in the first place. With each passing day, Jared died a little inside, impossibly tangled in the web of desire that surrounded him.

But it was okay, it was bearable. Jensen loved him, of that Jared was sure. Oh, not like that, never like that, but like a brother. More than a brother, really. Jensen looked at him with stars in his eyes, smiled with him and spent time with him like there is nothing in the world he cared to do more. They were best of the friends, and Jared had a part of Jensen that no one else ever saw. True, Jensen fucked other people, but, he was Jared’s where it really mattered. As far as Jared was considered,they were already in a relationship, one without sex, but very much a relationship. And it was the most important one in Jared’s life.

He remembers being fourteen and falling madly in love with his best friend. Jensen was sixteen at that time, all delicate curves and green eyes set in a startlingly beautiful face. He was so beautiful, so much that it had hurt to look at him. Jared was gangly and awkward, long limbs set in a narrow frame, just starting to grow in his new body and failing miserably. He had looked at Jensen with so much awe and fell in love with him.

He wanted Jensen, wanted to get inside his skin and stay there, wanted to own him and be with him forever. Jensen was always there on his mind, a constant presence in the back of his skull. He was under Jared’s skin like an unscratched itch, disorienting Jared’s world with his very existence. And Jared was utterly obsessed. Jensen was there, always in Jared’s personal space, brushing against him or mock-kissing him, playing with him like a cat plays with its food. It was almost like Jensen has known and simply flaunting himself in front of Jared, taunting him with what he can’t have.

It was infuriating to say the least. And even Jared’s patience was running out.

It wasn’t even about sex, per se. Jared had his own ways to deal with that. Every once in a while, he went to one of the infamous whorehouses and hired some omega who closely resembled Jensen. Well, there was no one who could hold a candle to Jensen, of that Jared was sure, but he still tried to find some bitch with green eyes and bow legs. He cried Jensen’s name with every thrust and pretended that the pliant body beneath him belonged to Jensen. He pictured Jensen at sixteen, carefree and gorgeous, in those moments and spilled his seed in these useless substitutes.

He really tried. He was surviving.

Jensen wanted to mate and settle, wanted to raise a family with someone that wasn’t Jared. But it was still an abstract idea. Jared hadn’t given it much thought, still secure of his place in Jensen’s life and too much involved in Jensen to think about anything else. Against his better judgement he didn’t take the matter seriously. And Jensen was going to leave him for some blonde bimbo who probably could never take care of him like Jared did.

The idea came to him during one sleepless night. He’d wanted Jensen for all his life, and now he was losing him. After this mating, Jensen wouldn’t be his, not entirely. He would have cast Jared aside for his mate, and would’ve laughed at him. Of that Jared was sure.

Jensen wanted to raise a family. Well, Jared decided to give him a family. Jared decided to give him everything he wanted and more. For a very small price, that is.

The idea sounded absurd at first, then slowly he liked it. Jensen beside him, carrying his cubs, belonging to him and only him, the possibilities were endless. Jensen at his mercy, lying beneath him and taking everything Jared wanted to give and asking more, green eyes looking at him and begging him for relief. The picture was too pretty to pass on.

As an omega Jensen wouldn’t be having any rights. Any omega, unmated and guardianless was state’s property. And being a ward of the state was not a fun position to be in, despite the ongoing omega-rights movement.

It was the perfect solution. And it had worked like a charm.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments and kudos. I appreciate them very much.
> 
> Is anyone warming upto Jared? I'm just curious.

Jared finds Jensen in front of the mirror, eyes closed and head tilted, face lost in a private smile. Jensen’s hands are busy, fingers caressing the non-existent bulge of his stomach in a gentle, circular motion. He’s humming a tune, something familiar and comforting that makes Jared’s heart sing with happiness. Jared can’t help but smile, can’t help but feel content at seeing Jensen like this. The cubs are not even here and Jensen is already taking care of them like a devoted mother should. What more could Jared ask from his omega?

He embraces Jensen from behind, and adds his hands on top of Jensen’s, touches the soft skin of his stomach, as if trying to feel what Jensen is feeling at the moment. A shiver runs through Jensen’s body when Jared touches him, barely visible but definitely there. It’s easy to miss, the way his limbs tighten and arrange themselves, the way he narrowly avoids flinching, all signs of Jensen’s displeasure, all unavoidable proofs of his mood. Jared sights, acutely aware and waiting til Jensen relaxes against him, body undulating against Jared in surrender.

Jared feels great.

He lets his hands wander over Jensen’s skin, greedy and possessive, searching and counting for the marks he had left on him from before. They are numerous; the hickey’s and bites already turning a beautiful yellow-green color, healing slowly. When Jared’s fingers touch the mating bite, the one that shows Jared’s right, Jensen’s breathing hitches, stops for a moment. Jared thumbs the ugly scar lovingly, caresses the teeth mark left on Jensen’s vulnerable throat and presses. It’s so beautiful and so fresh looking, because Jared takes special care to renew it every night, mindful of its importance. Jensen hasn’t learned to bare his neck willingly, not yet; some part of his stubborn alpha psyche fighting back feebly, but, it seems that things are changing for the better. Jensen relaxed and slumped against him, allowing him to hold him without any kind of protest, signals the arrival of better times.

He nuzzles at Jensen’s neck, scents him barely suppressing the urge to lick the golden glow from his skin. Even after the two weeks of having Jensen in his bed, even after all the constant fucking and touching, the hunger inside him doesn’t seem to quench, only asks for more. It’s like a dam has been broken, destroyed and Jared is left in the aftermath, unable to stop or control himself, utterly addicted. It’s nothing of importance, Jensen should be glad that Jared loves him so much, because having a devoted alpha is a gift, a blessing. Jared will never stray, will never take another mate, will always take care of Jensen. And one day, Jensen will understand.

Minutes pass between them, silently.

Jared lifts his head and looks at Jensen’s reflection, finding green-eyes open and intent on him. The same eyes that used to look at him with so much trust and love, the same eyes that haunted his dreams for years are on him, and a hot flush courses through his body. Jensen’s gaze is intense, almost like he is calculating something, and for a brief amount of time Jared feels cautious. Then, slowly, Jensen smiles. That beautiful and aching smile spreads across his face and the uneasiness melts.

“Jensen,” Jared says, not using the nickname for once. He knows that Jensen hates when he is called Jenny that is why Jared calls him that when he is balls deep in him, the humiliation adds the extra spice that Jared seeks in their lovemaknig. But here, now, it seems inappropriate.

Jensen doesn’t answer, just nods his head in slight deference.

“Jensen,” Jared says again, suddenly wanting to hear Jensen’s voice again. Maybe Jensen will talk to him and tease him like he used to do before, voice a whisper, sending shivers through his body. Maybe he will scowl at Jared. Anything is better and acceptable, except the cold dead tone Jensen seems to prefer these days.

  
“Yes, alpha,” Jensen says, but thankfully the machinelike precision isn’t present anymore.

“You can call me Jared.” Jared says and then hastily adds, “Not always, but maybe sometimes,”

There are a thousand things he wants to say after that sentence, like how much he misses the Jensen from before, like how much he wants to hear him saying Jay in his that gruff voice, all affectionate. He doesn’t.

“Jared,” Jensen says, as if understanding what Jared is asking for, as if he gets what Jared wants. He was always good in that, and now, the ability to cater to Jared’s needs has taken a boost. A perk of him being the caretaker, omega. Jared supposes.

He locks his fingers with Jensen’s slender ones and presses. Jared’s children are in there, somewhere beneath the muscles and skin, little babies. Jared didn’t realize at first, his focus mostly on turning Jensen and claiming him rather than thinking about the repercussions. He’d never given much thought about having kids before, too much distracted by other things to think properly on the subject. When Jensen’s first heat hit all Jared wanted to do was to own and claim, to broadcast his rights on this omega to the world. Planting children in him was just the logical extension. Children belonged to the alpha, they provided the ultimate and last evidence of an alpha’s rightful ownership, an undeniable proof that the omega was already taken. Jared was only doing his duty, was only securing his place in Jensen’s life.

But now he sees the enigmatic smile on Jensen’s face, sees the apparent joy in him and feels something more. Jensen and cubs, his cubs, a complete package, a pretty picture. The first rush of protectiveness over unborn cubs comes over him, covers him like a blanket of snow covering the ground in winter mornings.

It feels incredible, feels like everything Jared ever wanted and more.

“Can you feel them?” He asks, and Jensen groans.

“No,” Jensen says. Then adds “But I’ll be, you’ll just have to wait,” The last word is more emphasized for some reason.

Jared spins him around, marvels at the ease with which he can manhandle his new body and kisses those rough-looking already chapped lips. Doesn’t bite this time though, seeks entrance and is surprised when Jensen opens his lips and allows him inside. It’s a nice surprise, a most welcoming one. The sooner Jensen leaves his bitchiness behind, the easier it will be for him to adjust. And better it will be for Jared.

Jensen isn’t kissing him back; still it is better than it was before. Now, Jensen doesn’t feel like a dead weight against him, a fuck-doll just there to take whatever Jared is handing out without any kind of response. At first it was okay, Jared lost in the wonder that was Jensen, solely focused on having and marking him to reconsider. But, lately, Jared hadn’t appreciated the dead look in Jensen’s eyes, almost like he had checked out from the scene, like he wasn’t even aware of anything. You could fuck a doll only so many times, sooner or later you’d want the real deal, and Jared was reaching that threshold. He’d thought of disciplining Jensen, and now hopefully there wouldn’t be any need for that.

It got to be motherly instinct, he thinks. That is the best explanation for Jensen’s newly altered behavior. The thought makes him chuckle in satisfaction even as he pushes Jensen to the ground, arranging him on his hands and knees as he prepares to mount him from behind.

Later, much later, he sits sated in their bed and thinks. Jensen is in kitchen, cooking. He is learning and Jared will allow him enough time before nitpicking. After all it has been only two weeks, Jared can be gracious for another two weeks. Jensen has definitely earned that, today.


	5. Chapter 5

The representative from the omega ministry visits them the very next day. One Mr. Wades graces their house with his presence.

The agent greets Jared, introduces himself and shakes his hand. Pleasantly smiling, he seats himself on the couch in the drawing room. The couch is dust-free, just like the room in which it is currently situated. Jensen would know. He just finished cleaning the entire house as a part of his morning chores.

He doesn’t shake hands with Jensen or anything like that. Jensen doesn’t expect him to, but, it still stings.

Mr. Wades is middle-aged, tall and sturdy looking, authoritative. He looks like someone who knows what he is doing. His eyes are deep blue and they pin Jensen with a piercing gaze, even as he talks to Jared. His eyes follow Jensen’s smallest movements, like he is an experimental specimen that needs to be dissected and studied. His scent clearly screams alpha, the pheromones assaulting Jensen’s nose and making him nervous. He can feel the droplets of sweat on his skin, gathering like little pinpricks at the back of his neck and making him uncomfortable. This nervousness in new, another trait his body has recently acquired. He hates this, hates his body for doing this, fucking up his already fucked up life in new and inventive ways.

There is supposedly an elaborate procedure that should be followed in such cases. The status change forms, the doctor’s reports, and a thousand other things needed to be filled, collected and sent to the ministry, to keep the government updated. The agent says that Jared did an admirable job with paperwork, a note of appreciation underlining his words. What Jensen gathers is that Jared researched all the stuff, beforehand. From a purely aesthetic point of view Jensen gets this. Jared didn’t want to take any chances, so he even filled the paperwork before Jensen was turned. It’s pretty neat, really.

What makes him furious is the fact that he never had any inkling of this, never knew what was going under the façade. And Jensen had thought that he knew Jared like back of his own hand.

“It’s like filing your income tax. The sooner you do the less hassle will be there to handle,” The agent says in a rare display of humor.

Jared laughs alongside him, saying something about being a boy scout.

“You have got a very fine omega for you here, Sir. Very fine, indeed.” Jensen can feel the appreciative gaze on him, intense and burning, almost like a physical touch. It’s less sexual and somewhat impersonal, but Jensen feels violated just hearing that remark. The tone is off, as if the agent is assessing livestock and passing comments on their fitness and paying compliments. It creeps Jensen out.

Jared responds with a tight smile, his mouth a thin line in a face set in stone. The agent seems to understand and changes the subject.

“No need to take offence. I was just surprised to see that you have managed a successful turning here, that too without any additional help. You know that most of the attempts fail, as a principle and we are called to clean the mess. It is not so easy to turn an alpha into an omega, that too at his advanced age. We are just curious, that’s all,” He says, sensing Jared’s anger.

“What can I say, it just happened. I think he was made for me,” Jared says nonchalantly.

Jensen’s fingers tremble and curl in themselves to form a fist. He exhales and wills himself to listen without succumbing to anger.

“That he seems to be,” Mr Wades agrees and adds.

“Between you and me, I think this entire procedure is grossly outdated. I mean you have a good thing going here, I’d say you made a contribution to the society. God knows we need more children and we definitely need more omegas for that. If you don’t turn them, where are you going to get them?”

“Tell that to those omega-rights people,” Jared says and the venom dipping from his tone, makes Jensen flinch. He catches those hazel eyes and wonders how he could’ve been this naïve, this blind.

One in twenty is an omega. Omegas are characterized by their sex-drive and fertility rate. Both of these are unusual and carry extreme importance in a country with dwindling population. If you don’t have enough people then how would you expect to maintain your position in a global context? A nation’s most important asset is its human capital. Numbers matter.

Compromises are inevitable, even if they are regrettable.

 Jared’s expression softens. He speaks again, all the bite gone from his voice, businesslike.

“I’d like you to complete your examination as soon as possible. My omega is getting tired. You see, he is carrying cubs. These things upset him, he needs his rest,”

“Of course,” The agent says and starts with the standard questions. Most of the information is already present in the paperwork and he merely asks for confirmation. Jensen listens, taking in all the data and storing it in a distant corner of his mind.

When asked, Jensen bares his neck and shows the scar, the mating bite sitting there for the whole world to see. That seems to be enough for the government. Of course, there is the certificate from the doctor inserted in Jensen’s file that corresponds to what Jared says, so there is no real need to check Jensen again. Also the scent itself should be enough, Jensen supposes. No alpha can fail to recognize that. Jensen knows he wouldn't have missed it under the same circumstances.

Maybe that is why they sent an alpha to check, in the first place.

“So he is carrying three cubs, that’s a good number to start,” The agent says in a pleased tone.

Jensen can practically see Jared’s eyes lighting with pride at the mention of them. His stomach tightens again, something like nausea hits him even before he hears Jared’s answer. Three, he thinks, there are three in there, inside him. Three little parasites that have the potential to grow up and become someone like Jared.

They could become like him too, he thinks. But considering what he is now, he doesn’t think it as a good option.

Jared sees the paleness of his skin and takes him in his arms, hands rubbing his shoulders, soothing him. Jensen sits down, not caring about the displeasured sound the agent makes. Ignores him and wants to hide in his own head, wants to be free of all the horrors that await him. But that is what cowards to, and Jensen don’t want to be one. Not anymore.

Mr. Wades leaves shortly after that, taking the papers and promising to come back later if necessary.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

Tonight, Jensen allows himself a rare pleasure. He prepares a bath and lies in the tub, soaking in the warm water, and relaxing his overworked muscles. The sensitive parts of his body are hurting, sore from their evening activities. Jared, as Jensen has recently learned, is very much into fucking him. Jensen, as the omega should be the one with uncontrollable sex-drive but it is Jared who is insatiable. 

Jared was different last time, had touched Jensen with hands that were uncharacteristically unsure and gentle, as if refraining himself from hurting Jensen. The abrasions decorating insides of Jensen’s thighs and the finger-shaped bruises on his chest were healing nicely, the skin patching itself and mending. The rate of healing was slow, compared to what Jensen was used to as an alpha, still, it was happening. It was everything else that was not healing. His body, while easily breakable was also the easiest to repair.

When Jared had pushed inside, it hadn’t hurt much, not like it did before. Jensen was wet, slick easing the way and coating the insides of his thighs. There was even a spark of pleasure in him, the electricity jolting his veins when that place inside him was stimulated. Jensen would never learn to welcome this intrusion, would never learn to enjoy himself, not consciously. But he hadn’t been able to deny that his body liked this now, this submission to some extent. 

Afterwards, Jensen wanted to wash himself to remove the evidences of Jared’s passion from his body. It was foolish of him, since he knew the full extent of Jared’s hold on him at this stage, the parasites inside him reminding him of that at every possible moment. 

Now, Jensen sits in the bathtub, inhaling the scent of spices .He Hopes that hot water will be enough to wipe Jared’s fingerprints from his skin, to give him some time where he can pretend and dream without Jared looming beside him like a shadow.

Strangely enough, shame is not an emotion that enters his thoughts. He knows that he should feel dirty, and he feels dirty, but not for getting aroused, or almost getting off during his rape. It would be easy to do that, to blame his own body and to endure by accepting what has happened to him. It would be easy to become a victim and drown in the sorrow. Jensen refuses. He will cultivate his anger like one cultivates his garden, he will hold on to that painful red hot feeling inside him to retain his sanity. 

He knows that this is a dangerous game, is aware of the things he will be doing in the future, but, he sees no other option. If he is going down either way, then he will not be doing that without offering some kind of resistance.  
He is not a saint. And he isn’t going to start being one anytime soon.

He wants to talk to his fiancée. He needs someone who will be there to listen to him, someone who will not pity or judge him. The sheer need for human companionship is overwhelming and only with Jared around him, Jensen has no one to satisfy that itch. 

He tries to picture her face, tries to put context to the grey eyes and plump lips in a heart -shaped face, but he is failing. He doesn’t have any photos with him, Jared made sure of that, and now he can’t even recall the exact color of her eyes or the shape of her eye-brows, or the curve of her neck, even though it should have been obvious to him. He still has the imprint of her smile itched into his mind like a vague fading memory. And he holds on to that.

He’d tried to reach her before today, in one of the rare occasions when Jared wasn’t keeping an eye on him, had used Jared’s cell to make a call to her. There was no answer and Jensen already crushed and broken, was standing with tears all over his face. He was strangely relived too, because he wasn’t sure, didn’t know what to tell her if she had received that call.

What will she say if she can see him now? Will she embrace him or will she despise him? Jensen doesn’t know. The Jensen she loved and wanted to marry is essentially dead, and all that is left behind is an omega, that too an omega who belongs to some other guy. 

He steers his mind and refuses to think about her. She, like so many other things in his life, is a closed chapter. Not relevant anymore.

Turning an alpha into an omega, Jensen has been told today, is not at all common. When the fertility rates started to drop steadily, the government woke up and tried to do some experiments. They’d started and experimented with the street children and prisoners, using those alphas as expendable test-subjects. The success rate was extremely low and government was forced to abandon the research. Jensen suspects that this is not the case, doesn’t believe that there aren’t any experiments going on at this point, but that is understandable. 

The policy that exists today is simple. If you turn an alpha into an omega then you are forgiven. If you fail, then the traumatized alpha gets the full sympathy of the law, and the assaulter will be punished as required. Alpha-alpha attraction was uncommon and this contributed to the low number of crimes of this nature. 

Not all alphas turn even after they are repeatedly raped. Jensen did. Maybe Jared is not the one to blame here. Maybe Jensen never had it in him. Maybe he never was an alpha material.

That thought burns his insides like hot coal and he swallows it, not pursuing that line of thinking. 

Here and now. That is important. Eyes on the target, mind in the present.

Present is Jared, and Jared's parasites. 

Jared enters the bathroom, finds Jensen there, the air filled with the scent of the herbs. Jensen naked and wet is enough to attract his attention and he entertains the thoughts of joining Jensen there. With the blessings of the government, he feels confident and authenticated, and leaves the doubts behind. Jensen looks up and smiles, hesitant and shy and Jared takes it as the invitation.


	7. Chapter 7

Jensen hears Jared’s footsteps before he sees him. He curses under his breath, suddenly irritated over Jared’s audacity. All Jensen wanted was a single hour without Jared there to pollute his life, and apparently Jared couldn’t give him that. Now Jared is ruining even the simplest pleasures with his mere presence.

But complaining is of no use, and good omegas don’t bitch at their alpha. They welcome their alpha with open arms and serve him as required. As a new member of the omega population, Jensen has been given a brief intro to the lifestyle. No official training or anything like that, thank god for the small mercies, just some friendly advice. Yesterday, before leaving, the good Mr. Wades had graced Jensen with his thoughts, had laid some basic guidelines for him to follow, to honor his commitment as an omega and the mate to his alpha. There was nothing concrete or definite, not yet, but, a reminder of what was expected of him and what would be the price if he doesn’t follow.

Jared was there, almost acting as a buffer between them and insisting that Jensen was getting tired, and needed his rest. Jensen was getting tired, but not because he needed the rest, but because he was tired of all the bullshit. Jensen could’ve laughed loudly if he wasn’t so angry.

Ultimately, Jensen is trying to be a good omega, at least for the time being. It’s exhausting, faking and leading a double life, but it is also his only chance to gain Jared’s trust. He has already wasted two weeks in refusing Jared, and now he has to impress Jared with his newfound omega abilities. Jensen knows him, more thoroughly and intimately than anyone else on the planet. You can’t be friends with someone for two decades and not understand them, it is just not possible. It’s true that the past few days have shown him another Jared, the one that lies beneath the carefully constructed layers, and Jensen hopes to unwarp him.

Jared’s scent, once familiar and soothing like his own is repulsive now. His body likes it fine, sings alpha when Jensen doesn’t want it to, but his mind takes offence. Jared’s touch, his smile, his face, all these were once cherished by Jensen. Now he can’t run away fast enough to get out of Jared’s space.

But Jensen can’t run and hide, can he? Most importantly he doesn’t want to.

Even if there is a way to get out of Jared’s clutches, even if there is a way to end this nightmare for once and all, Jensen doesn’t want to take the coward’s route. Every night he has dreams, nightmares. In those dreams, he sees Jared, not like he is now, but from before. Jared at ten, all shy smiles and cute dimples, just a little kid. Jared at fifteen, tall and skinny, talking to Jensen about this beta he kissed in a crowded bar. Jared at twenty, serious and moody, trying to blend in with the crowd and following Jensen around. Jared, Jared, Jared.

And finally, he sees the real Jared. Alpha.

The parasites also feature in his dreams. They are these cold deformed things that latch on to him and suck his life out of his skin. Most of the times they don’t have hands, they bite him with their mouths, hungry and wraithlike, sucking blood and marrow from his body and feasting on him. He tries to fight them, tries to throw them out but Jared holds him down with his strong hands, all the time laughing at him. They are your kids Jensen, he says and Jensen cries out. No one comes to help him.

And Jensen wakes up. Like a clockwork. Heart thrumming in his ribcage like a trapped bird, throat dry and hoarse, and body trembling like a leaf left in the wind, trying to swallow without getting sick. He tries to sleep again and wishes for a night’s rest without the dreams.

Maybe the dreams will stop once the parasites are out of his body. Maybe they will never stop. But, Jensen just has to try. As it is, he is one step away from losing his mind.

He looks up and sees Jared at the door, schools his features and wears a smile, that is perfectly poised and prepared. Looks through his lashes and opens his lips ever so slightly, and is immediately awarded when Jared’s eyes widen in surprise.

“I was thinking about you,” He says when Jared joins him in the lukewarm water, voice a husky whisper in the shadowed room. Jared settles behind him, hands wandering and fingers tracing the muscles in his back, possessive. Jensen leans back, carefully tucking himself under Jared’s chin in what seems to be a loving embrace.

Jared’s fingers are playing with his nipples now, pinching the buds and rubbing them, almost like Jared is testing them. Jensen doesn’t flinch anymore, but it is still difficult, very difficult. It is one thing to think and imagine but the reality of his violation is not easy to handle.

“What were you thinking Jenny?” He says.

“It’s just that, we have so much history between us. And so many memories, it just screws with my head. I have been quiet difficult, and I am truly sorry for that. I did foolish things, and you’ve been nothing but accommodating,” He swallows the lump in his throat and hopes that this apology is enough for now.

Jared’s fingers stop and lay still for a moment. When he speaks again, his voice is suspiciously low, filled with emotion.

“You know that I love you, Jensen, don’t you? All is forgiven. I know that past few days haven’t been easy, but that is okay. We have so many years ahead of us, to make new memories,”

Jensen, notes the use of his name and draws Jared’s hands on his stomach, interlocks fingers with him and says.

“Yes, alpha, We have time to make memories,” He sees the way Jared touches his belly, and adds.

“I don’t like it here. I want us to start fresh, start new. Somewhere else, perhaps where no one knows who we are, where we are free of the old chains, where we could be together.” Jared's eyes narrow at the mention of leaving this city, he has a good thing going on here, all things considered. So he asks, voice a whisper in Jensen's ear, tongue tracing the outer shell, biting. He's like a kid in a candy shop, almost ecstatic with Jensen's words, and it makes asking questions difficult.

"Where do you want to go?"

Jensen is his omega. He is carrying his kids and he is acknowledging Jared as his alpha, taking him in with open arms. This is what he always wanted. And he is eager.

Jensen thinks, weighs his words before naming one of the farthest cities. He doesn't push much, an omega is never supposed to do that, just mentions that he isn't feeling all that well here, the weather is not agreeing him, not very much. Jared says that he will consider it, and Jensen knows that the deal is in.

He kisses Jared, for the first time, and watches Jared's blissful expression through slightly open lashes.

 


	8. Chapter 8

Jensen turns around and kisses him then, brushing his lips over Jared’s chapped ones, eyelids lowering and closing, fluttering. He dares, adds the extra spice to the almost chaste kiss, and Jared immediately opens up. Jensen, licks inside his mouth, tries to remember the tricks from before, puts effort in producing the exact effect on Jared. He’s not being very good at it, his mind and his body almost at war with each other, both wanting different things and it’s getting hard to concentrate.

He’s been teaching himself to despise Jared, to hate what they did, throughout his ordeal. At first he had fought, fought like hell, scratched and bit, kicked til Jared took a hint and tied him up. It was painful and bloody, and he’d felt good because he was doing something. He was resisting, giving back as good as he got. Then, Jared got wise, started to tie him up before touching him, and Jensen gagged and bound, was truly helpless.

He used to lie there like a piece of wood, playing dead and counting numbers in his head, waiting for Jared to finish. At first he liked to count the number of times Jared kissed him, or the number of times he fucked him, each new act another nail on Jensen’s already dead heart. He just laid there with his legs open, and tuned out whatever noises Jared was making. His body worked on autopilot, or so he assumed and all Jared wanted was an omega to fuck, so it was not like he wanted Jensen’s presence there.

_How many times Jared? Is hundred a good number? Would you let me go after a hundred fucks?_

But the count had exceeded hundred, and was still going strong. Jensen had stopped counting, purely out of sheer exhaustion. In and out, in and out, he used to think, just wait till he stops, just wait. It had felt like he had waited for an eternity, his days filled with all things Jared, and his mind blank like a white canvas. There were gaps in between, the times when he collapsed out of fatigue, or the times when Jared brought him something to eat, but they were few and far in between.

Then he understood. The awful truth was there, staring right at him, written in those dark-hazel eyes.

Jared was never going to stop. He believed that Jensen was his mate, believed that this crude-fucking was the proof of his ownership. Even if Jensen laid there like dead for a thousand more days, it was never going to enough. There was no end count, no number when Jared would say enough and release him. No hope.

During that first time, when Jensen was still digesting the reality of Jared wanting him like that, while he was still processing the information, Jared had said something. Jared had promised him forever. And Jensen realized that he was serious. Utterly serious.

He’d turned Jensen for that, had put his cubs inside Jensen as insurance. He’d ruined Jensen and he was never letting go. Not even if Jensen stared at him with glassy eyes, not even if Jensen refused to speak to him, it was never going to stop. Not unless Jensen did something.

So Jensen had stopped pretending, and decided to wake up. Nothing was going to change unless he changed it personally.

 

Now, he kisses Jared with all the skill he could manifest on such a short notice, tongue flicking inside, hesitantly. There should have been some kind of manual for this, he thinks absentmindedly before diving in again. Jared’s eyes are squeezed tight, and his lips are trembling slightly. He is holding back, neck tilted down to meet Jensen’s lips and body still as a statue. The fine hairs on his arms are brushing Jensen’s sides, but he doesn’t move his fingers to touch. It’s like they are suspended in mid-air, waiting for something to happen. It’s like this simple act matters to Jared way more than it has any right to be.

_What is the matter Jared? You have already had me in every possible way, so what is a little kiss between the friends?_

Jared snaps and takes charge of the kiss, as if hearing the words Jensen never said. He isn’t forceful, swirls his tongue and licks Jensen’s already wet lips, doesn’t even bite. Jensen is the aggressive party here, biting and chewing at Jared’s lips, trying to draw blood on the surface. He feels good when the skin tears, likes the way the blood oozes and licks it, closing his eyes while savoring the taste.

_I could kill you here, Jensen thinks. I could kill you for what you did, do you get that?_

“Jensen, Jensen,” Jared chants his name over and over again, all the time shuddering and kissing him. He is careful, even when he manhandles Jensen, trying to flip their positions.

Jensen stops him with a push, fingers dancing delicately on Jared’s chest, beating to the rhythm of some unheard music. He isn’t expecting it to work, but incredibly it does. Jared looks at him questioningly, slightly impatient and impossibly there. Jensen straddles his hips, adjusts his body in the position, keenly aware of the hot flesh poking at his bare backside. He leans in, whispers in Jared’s lips.

“Like this, Do me like this,” Hides his face in Jared’s chest, lightly bites, and doesn’t let tears fall. Not even a single drop.

Jared is one step away from creaming himself. Jensen like this, all slutty and waiting, wanting instead of fighting, is phenomenal. He grips at Jensen’s hips, almost ready to explode, the sheer novelty of the situation too much for him to handle. Jensen looks up at him, and then stays still when Jared pushes inside. Impossibly tight despite the slick easing the way, and Jared’s to take.

Jared groans when he is fully sheathed, the need to fuck overwhelming him even as he tries to restrain himself. Jensen, circles his hips slowly, forming a figure eight in air, the move solely designed to drive Jared insane with lust. Jared buckles up, unable to hold it anymore and thrusts in the tight, tight channel, almost mindlessly. A few pushes is all it takes, and he is coming, blanking out for a moment. He’s vaguely aware of Jensen’s words, asking him to fuck him harder and faster, sweet things said in that breathy voice.

All he thinks is that how good this is, how perfect and right, finally. Before it was good, but not like this, never like this. Jensen, begging him and only him, Jensen taking charge and asking for this, it is beyond anything Jared had ever imagined.

When he comes down from the high, the water has turned cold and Jensen has left the bathroom. Jared doesn't mind, he gets up and walks out, too fucked out and mellow to take anything seriously.

Tomorrow, he will check with omega ministry about the protocol on travelling with a pregnant omega. He has an inkling that Jensen will appreciate the gesture.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments and kudos. I love each and every one of them:)

The water is lukewarm. Jensen wants to finish this before the temperature drops any lower; he’s not looking forward to getting fucked in cold water. He urges Jared to move fast, clenches his inner muscles and observes Jared’s reactions. It’s easy to manipulate him, a little twist here, a slight motion there and Jared is crying out in pleasure. Jensen is hard too, but he ignores it, focuses on getting Jared off using his body. Jared feels huge inside him, hot like fire, slowly burning Jensen to the ashes. His hands are on Jensen’s hips, pulling and pushing him, and he uses them as leverage to move effectively.

It doesn’t take much time, honestly. Jared’s thrusts go erratic along with his breathing, and Jensen waits for him to finish. Within minutes, Jared comes, spilling inside Jensen and filling him with his seed. The very air itself is saturated with the sex or so Jensen feels.

Jensen is not in heat. There is no knot holding him in place. When he looks up, Jared’s breathing hasn’t normalized yet, his muscles are still moving involuntarily and his face still wears that expression of bliss. For a single, shameful second Jensen can feel the pull from him, can feel the need coming from him in disjoined waves. It’s so thick, so thick and physical that Jensen can touch and feel the texture with his bare fingers. Jensen’s body, bound by the nature, stupidly starts to react. Jensen retreats, gets up and leaves hastily.

Everything feels off, slightly dim and colorless, as if something has shifted in last few minutes. A slight change in dynamics, as if the universe has tilted to left by a few degrees without him noticing the change. The floor beneath him feels uneven and strange, like he is walking on distorted mirrors arranged in no particular order. He’s overcome with the need to run and hide. But this feeling, this sorrow comes from within.

He did what needs to be done, that’s all. It’s just another technique, another way of making Jared listen to him. He hasn’t left with anything else to bargain, so he is using his body to achieve his goals. It’s just another asset as his disposal, it doesn’t define him or anything like that, for God’s sake.

He rationalizes his actions, or tries to do so. He’s not very successful in it, because he can’t be an objective party here. It’s easier to pass remarks and Judgements on others, but it’s not so black and white when you are personally involved.

_How can you kiss someone when your skin crawls at the mere idea of it? How can you look into the eyes of the person who destroyed you and pretend to love them? How can you touch them when the very thought is abhorrent to you?_

If you ask Jensen these questions he wouldn’t answer you. He wouldn’t waste his time by giving reasons, not even to absolve himself. That doesn’t mean that he hasn’t thought about it. Quiet the contrary. He thinks about it a lot. In the quiet before sunrise, in front of the mirror, between the sheets, in the space between this kiss and the next, anytime, anywhere. These questions never leave him.

_You do it because you have no other way. You do it because every other door is closed and you want out. You do it with the precision of a surgeon, you do it with the single-mindedness of a scientist, at the same time detached and interested._

_Above all, you pretend and act, because you want to survive. You haven’t lost the most important thing yet, the hope. Once you lose it, then you are effectively broken. Nothing else matters._

 Jensen refuses to break down. He refuses to shatter in a million fragments like a piece of cheap china glassware thrown on hard concrete floor.

 

The next day is decidedly brighter in more than one ways. Jared is suddenly good to him, all shy smiles and furtive glances. He helps Jensen in kitchen, all the time brushing against him and talking to him enthusiastically. It reminds Jensen of the times from before, and the feeling of loss only deepens.

They sit and have breakfast. Jensen doesn’t really know how to act, doesn’t know how much he can push before Jared starts pushing back. It’s a delicate balance, and he tactfully learns his boundaries. He is not Jared’s friend, he is his omega and however much Jared is pretending to act otherwise, that line is already drawn. With a single misplaced word Jensen can disrupt the illusion and angering Jared at this point of time serves no higher purpose.

Before leaving Jared kisses him for a long time, and Jensen can feel the cut on his lower lip reopen, can feel the taste of iron on his moist lips, all rusty and metallic. Jared sweeps in and licks, sighs in satisfaction, before biting again. When it is done, Jensen is once again left bruised and tender. And Jared seems to appreciate it.

“You are so beautiful,” He says, voice almost a purr and Jensen smiles but the smile doesn’t reach his eyes.

“Come back soon, I’ll be waiting” He forces out the words.

“You better start packing, Jenny” He tosses the words laughingly, but to Jensen they feel like a lifeline.

 

Jensen starts a systematic inspection of the house. He isn’t taking Jared’s words literally and even if he is inclined, there is not much here that Jensen can use. But those words give him the much needed excuse.

He sees the old fashioned telephone in one of the spare rooms and checks instinctively. It seems to be working, and he gives in to the urge, dials the only number that matters to him. He’s thinking about Jared’s reaction if Jared finds out, but, that is a risk he is willing to take.

She picks the call after five rings, just when he is starting to loss the nerve.

“Hello,” Her voice flows in from the other end and a hundred memories assault him. All of a sudden his voice seems inadequate.

“Hello,” He says and then adds “Babe, It’s me”

The line stays silent for a minute, and he is sure that she recognizes his voice, how can she forget him like that, when he still dreams of her.

“Jensen, Is this Jensen?” She says and Jensen imagines tears flowing across her beautiful face.

“Yes,” He says and waits.

“Jared called me, He said some things,” She says and Jensen feels the first signs of unease.

“Is it true Jensen?” She asks and Jensen wants her to clarify. There are a thousand questions that can start with the same words. But in this particular instant only one of them matters and Jensen is unfortunately aware of that question.

 She is not asking if Jensen was foolish, she is not asking if Jared was guilty. She is not even asking for the details of how or when. She is only asking him for the truth and in this case there is only one answer.

“Yes, it is true.” He says. And once again feels the weight of world on his shoulders.

“I never believed in him, you know, I thought he was bluffing, I thought, you were stronger than that. I thought, I thought...” She says, clearly sobbing and unable to continue. Jensen can hear the accusation clear in her voice, and he gets it, but it hurts, words cut sharper and truer than any weapons.

What can he say to her, now, that will make a difference?

"I'm pregnant," He says lamely, lets her digest this last piece of information.

"Oh," She says, clearly taken aback. Then adds, "I know," Jared told me is implicit. Jensen feels the variables shift and fit in a completed equation.

"Why did you call me?" She says, in that no nonsense tone Jensen used to love so much. And Jensen is too proud to break down and cry, too proud to tell her how difficult it is for him, even if she offers to listen.

She is clearly not offering. And he understands her.

It's awkward after that, both of them politely talking like strangers met on a train, both of them not saying the words other want to hear. 

"I'm sorry Jensen, But please don't call me in future," She says before disconnecting the call.

He doesn't regret calling her, not for a second. It's abrupt and painful, this sudden change in her attitude is not something he anticipated. But at least he can close this chapter now without wondering about some imaginary what if's.

 


	10. Chapter 10

Jared walks with renewed interest, almost bouncing with the barely concealed excitement. He kicks at the small stones and watches them scatter around, tosses the car keys in the air and plays, stupidly grins at random strangers. Even the sun is out, peeking through the clouds and shining in the blue sky, sharing Jared’s happiness. Jared tilts his head and lets the sunrays wash his face, lets them warm his heart after a long, long time.

It takes a while to find what he is looking for. On the paper, the office of Omega-ministry is easy to find, located in one of the reputed areas of the city. Reality is quite different. He’s noticing the change of scenery here, the number of shops and houses is on decline and the landscape is filled with trees and impersonal structures. There is some construction work going on, and all the land around belongs to the government.

This must be the place where they are building the recently proposed special omega-only schools. The omega-only schools and institutions were always on the agenda, but their previous mayor, a beta, was too chickenshit to implement the policy. Now, the new mayor seems to be capable, an alpha who has the guts to take some real action. Jared approves.

It’s a good thing, he supposes. Separating omegas from the rest of the populace at a younger age is surely better for everyone involved. Omegas are strange creatures, easily impressionable, and they can get wrong ideas from some of the radical groups out there, and that rarely ends well. Jared remembers this one omega from his teenage years, the guy used to talk about omega equality and rights, insane stuff like that, totally brainwashed by his parents. Jared can only imagine what a bunch of those people can do to young minds, and he’d rather keep them secluded than succumbing to all that new age hippy bullshit. He’s not a fundamentalist or anything like that, it’s just that some things are not supposed to change, that’s all.

The place is heavily guarded. Armed policemen and semi-military personnel are scattered around, like ants near the bread-crumbs. The official statement says that the arrangement is there to assure the safety of all the employees, including the handful of city-sponsored omega children, the ones who will end up in brothels without the charity of the city council. But Jared suspects that the reality might not be so black and white.

He’ll bet that the omega-rights movement is the reason behind this high security arrangement. They enjoy starting disputes with the authority, he has been told by the Mr.Wades the other day. Recently they have been acting out much, arranging rallies and meetings under the disguise and spreading lies around. So the precautions are taken in advance.

Whatever the current situation, it is not something that concerns Jared. He has everything he could possibly need and he’s finally getting out of this place in a few days. Jensen doesn’t like it here, and Jared can see his reasons, can see how painful it would be for Jensen to spend his entire life in this city, with the people who knew him from before. Jensen is right. A new life should start in a new place, where they can be free of all the old baggage. This city is not that place, and it will only hurt Jensen if he’s forced to stay.

Jared is a good alpha, the very best. He can’t sit and watch the shadows beneath Jensen’s eyes anymore. He’ll do what Jensen wants.

Jared shows his ID to the guard at the gate. Jared has a special ID, the one that is issued to the alphas who have an omega-mate. It’s a privilege to carry. The guard scans the card and glances at Jared, eyes flickering with something resembling envy. He shrugs his shoulders in deference and Jared can easily guess the reason behind this behavior. Jared is one of the rare specimens, alpha enough to have his own omega mate and the guard is recognizing and respecting him. Jared grins at him, and walks inside.

He finds Mr.Wades in one of the air-conditioned cabins. Jared doesn’t waste any time, and tells about his plans. He doesn’t mention Jensen, just says that this is something Jared had in mind for a long time. Mr.Wades frowns at him and asks.

“Did you say Alaska?”

“Yes, Is there any problem?” Jared responds with another question. Never give in, that is the secret of success.

“Not exactly, I’m merely surprised. That state has some issues with law and order. After the latest election, the city council has gone soft there. They are a disgrace.” He sighs and adds,

“You will have your omega with you. It’s a huge responsibility. Are you sure that you want to relocate there?” Jared can feel the tendrils of doubt creeping in, but he firmly ignores it.

“I can manage.” He says defiantly.

“Okay,” Mr.Wades says simply, agreeing at last. Jared knows that they can’t detain him, he is a valuable citizen, but it still feels good to have it acknowledged.

“You can leave next week. Papers will be ready by then,” Mr.Wades says, dismissing him.

 

 

Jensen hasn’t known many omegas. He’s seen some odd ones, on the streets or in the TV shows. There was this one, an old omega, clearly past her prime, leaving off the streets and eating the discarded food from the dustbins. Jensen never did that, not even when he and Jared were hungry, they never resorted to that. They’d drink some water and sleep in the shelter, wrapped around each other in the cold winters. Jensen disliked other alpha children, deeply distrusted them, but for some reason he’d taken a shine to Jared. Jared with his shaggy hair and big eyes, Jared with his small frame and cute dimples, had successfully made a place for himself in Jensen’s heart.

Jensen never knew his parents. He had no family, an orphan. He’d met Jared in the shelter, and something inside him had clicked and slotted into the place at the sight of seven year old boy. He had no family, but from that day, he had Jared.

He forces himself to stop thinking about Jared; it’s only going to hurt him. The point is that Jensen doesn’t know much about omegas. He tries to picture that old omega, standing on footpath, in cold winter nights, waiting for some trick, hoping, always hoping. He used to pity her, and had given her food a couple of times. But that was all, he hadn’t given much thought. He had enough on his plate.

There was another one. Matthew. He was beautiful, heartbreakingly so. Pale blue eyes set in an oval shaped face, and a sweet, sweet mouth that easily curved in a smile. By some miracle he had taken a liking to Jensen, invited him to his house and talked to him animatedly. Jensen listened to him, with increasing interest, the topics ranging from politics to religion. Mostly he thought of the spark in Matthew’s eyes and dreamed about him. It was something wonderful, and only his, not even Jared knew about this.

Matthew’s parents were rich and influential, his mother, a council member and his father a businessman. As far as Jensen knew, they raised their son without the usual restrictions. Jensen was sure that they were partially responsible for Matthew’s beliefs. But try as he might, he couldn’t find fault in Matthew’s arguments. He had heard that omega’s were supposed to be stupid and childlike, but Matthew was clearly not. And he couldn’t deny the evidence.

Before he had the chance to confess his feelings or enact on the attraction, Matthew had left the city, along with his parents. There was some scandal, something that Jensen wasn't aware of, was the reason behind the abrupt departure. Later, he'd searched for the same qualities in his lovers. But there was no other omega like him, no one who was as free or beautiful and Jensen had wisely hooked-up with beta's.  

It's just a hunch, a sort of vague feeling. A last ray of hope in the surrounding darkness. Jensen hadn't been in touch with him for years and maybe there was nothing left there. But it was worth a try.That's why he had talked with Jared about relocating, had convinced him to try. He knew where Matthew was and chances were that he was still there.

Even if he is wrong, it would be better than what he has here. Today's phone call with his ex has managed convince him of that.   


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that most of you are waiting for Jared to suffer. But this story is not just about Jared getting his just desserts, its also about Jensen's journey, his internal conflicts and his fighting spirit. I hope you are enjoying reading this as much as I am enjoying writing it.

Jensen waits.

The house is filthy. And it’s not noticeable at first. The main areas, the living room, the kitchen and the bed-room are clean enough, polished and pleasantly decorated. But the rest is another matter. Dust covers the surface, spider-webs are everywhere, and air carries the faint odor of decaying woodwork. _Termites_ , Jensen thinks, as he dusts one of the rooms. He searches for the small insects, but all he can find is more dust and cobwebs.

In fact, there seems to be a lot of cobwebs around here. Intrinsically woven and delicate, yet deadly dangerous if you are a fly. Jensen marvels at the ingenuity of it, each thread so fragile like a whispered breath, but capable of killing. It’s not even killing part that makes him uncomfortable. It’s the waiting that makes things unbearable. Trapped and waiting there for spider to come, waiting for the pain to hit as the spider sucks the life essence out of you.

Spiders are not known for their beauty, not at all. Hairy legs, thin body, and lumpy belly–not something that is designed to please the aesthetic senses. Chances are that if you encounter one, your first reaction would be either disgust or fear. No one writes poetry on spiders, it’s just not done. But, when you see the web, when you see the inherent delicacy and care with which it is woven, a real work of art, you can’t help but wonder. Such an ugly creature creates this seemingly fragile thread, and all for the sole reason of catching flies. 

_Does the fly dreams of freedom in those last moments? Does it think of flying again when venom hits and dissolves it from inside? Does fly ever knows how much work spider puts in weaving this impossibly delicate web? Does it really matter?_

He can see both sides, sort of. Spider and fly, both of them are bound by their nature, unlike Jensen.

Jensen huffs out a laugh that sounds like the mockery of the real thing. Great, now he is empathizing with insects. That’s a low step, even for him.

He’s not particularly fond of cleaning, his girlfriend used to complain of his less than savory habits. But now, he has to, because it is a necessity, not optional anymore. An omega, takes pleasure in mundane things like cleaning and cooking, it is a desirable quality and most alphas take offence if their omega fails to compile. Jared hasn’t asked him outright, it’s such a non-issue that it rarely needs discussion, it’s already established that Jensen will take care of the chores. It’s not like Jensen will be continuing working in his condition. He doesn’t like it, of course, but that is the way this relationship works.

Now, he cleans with efficiency. He dusts the carpet and furniture, all the time waiting for Jared to come back. The spider is there, in one of the webs, midst the carcasses of it’s victims, waiting for new ones. One of the flies is still alive, and Jensen throws it out along with the spider. He could’ve killed it easily, but, it is not his call.

The telephone is relatively dust-free. Shadowy lines can be seen on the better part of the receiver, prints left from before, in the exact shape of Jensen’s shaky fingers. Jensen erases them like he erases everything else, resolute and calm. 

After a while he feels the slightest cramps in his abdomen. His body, he reminds himself, hasn’t completed the transformation yet, hasn’t adjusted completely. If change is a tsunami, then these symptoms represent the last remains of the ruins. Like last batch of unruly waves they try to undo him.

Maybe parasites can feel the pain, maybe they are hurting there and sending signals to Jensen. Jensen grimaces, bites his lips and uses that pain to ground himself against the waves of new pain. If parasites are hurting, then Jensen will suffer gladly. He savors that thought for a moment before going inside kitchen to fix some lunch.

 With the first bite of sandwich, the cramps recede, and then stop. Jensen laughs aloud, chiding himself for the delusional thoughts. Yes, of course, it was just hunger-cramps. The bread, meat and onion taste like ashes in his mouth, and he forces himself to swallow without throwing up. Drinks water, plenty of clean water to wash the taste away from his mouth.

 _Did he fuck my mouth?_ A thought comes to his mind, unbidden and unintentionally cruel. Not recently, not when Jensen was conscious, not with his consent. But in the earlier days, he might have, he might very well have. Maybe he held Jensen’s nose and just fucked him like that. Maybe Jensen gagged and gurgled, not even strong enough to scream. Maybe that is the reason nothing tastes good, nowadays. Maybe that bitter, foul odor of Jared is still there, ever present in Jensen’s breath. 

The bile rises in his throat, threatens to come outside with the contents of his latest meal. No, no, Jensen thinks. He can’t afford to be sentimental, not now, not ever. _Get angry_ , he says in a low voice, repeats the words like a lullaby, til he feels them resonate in his bones. It’s easier to access that white hot sphere, that burning fire inside him, this time. And slowly the feeling of nausea retreats.

 

That night, Jared stands beside the window like a shadow stuck in between. Jensen is sprawled on the bed, utterly relaxed, golden skin left bare in the half-illuminated room. His eyes are on Jared, half-shadowed and uncanny, and Jared reluctantly stares back. He hates that he can’t see Jensen’s expression, not like this, not without light. But then, one of the unruly moonbeams catches his eyes and reflects back, eerily green and intense and Jared shudders at the sudden reveal. 

“I went to meet Mr.Wades today,” He says quietly. 

“Okay,” Jensen’s voice doesn’t change at all. The excitement Jared wanted to hear is absent. 

“We have two options,” Jared lies. Jensen sits up and leans, suddenly interested. 

“Alaska and Canada. Either will work for us. No previous contacts or friends. Also, I checked with my boss, both places have vacancy,” 

“But?” Jensen intones. 

“Mr.Wades advised against Alaska, says that the place is full of problems,” He takes a breath and continues. “I know you want to move to Alaska, but, we need to consider the safety of cubs. What do you want?” 

“What do you think?” Jensen counters. 

“It’s your choice. You wanted to move and I get it, so I’m giving you the opportunity to choose. I can manage anywhere,” Jared presses again, he is not sure why he is being so insistent. 

Something is nagging at Jared, ever since he heard the words coming out of Mr. Wades mouth. Out of all the states, Jensen chose Alaska, and Jared isn’t foolish enough to think that it was done randomly. That unusual demand coupled with the sudden change of attitude is ringing alarm bells in his mind. He regrets switching off the lights, now he wouldn’t be able to see Jensen’s expressions when he speaks. 

“I prefer Alaska. But, Jared, I can’t risk the safety of cubs. It would kill me if they come to harm by outside forces,“Jensen’s voice rings in the room, sharp. “Let us go to Canada,” He says. 

And Jared’s doubts vanish, just like that. He crosses the distance and takes Jensen in his arms, and says the words. 

“No, It’s Alaska, we will go there, between us, I'm sure,we can manage,” 

Jensen rewards him with a kiss.


	12. Chapter 12

The flight is scheduled next Saturday.

Jared wants to take Jensen for shopping. Jensen dislikes the prospect of getting out of the house, practically uncomfortable at the thought, but he has no choice. He’s currently wearing Jared’s clothes, they are old and well-worn and they all smell like Jared. Sometimes Jensen has trouble distinguishing between his own smell and Jared’s, his skin completely submerged in all things’ Jared so much that it suffocates him. They’d shared clothes in the past, like brothers do but it hadn’t bothered him then, now it does, very much.

So he needs some clothes to call his own, badly.

He has his old clothes, of course. They aren't here, they are in his home, in his closet. Casual tees and jeans, sweat-pants, track-pants, office-wear and a couple of suits. And a leather jacket to wear on Saturdays, just to pull on the bad-boy look that all the beta's liked so much. Jensen didn’t shop indiscriminately, didn’t waste money on things he didn’t need, his childhood had taught him that lesson. But he got what he wanted and it was more than enough for him.

Now, Jensen’s house belongs to Jared. As Jensen’s alpha he has the sole rights on anything that was previously owned by Jensen. An unmated omega was allowed to own property, at least on paper, for security purposes. But once mated, everything transferred to the alpha, automatically. What is the point of having two accounts when one is sufficient?

There is one shirt, a dark-grey one that Jensen keeps with him. It’s in bad shape, buttons missing, dirty, fabric torn apart at seams. It smells like blood, semen and sweat. Mostly it smells like unshed tears and damnation. It is the last piece of fabric that he could call as his own, and it is ruined beyond repair. Jensen hates it, hates how it brings back the memories of that night every time he smells it. But he can't throw it out. Everything else he has is Jared's. So he keeps it hidden.

Jared is adamant. He wants to take Jensen out, and he isn’t taking no for an answer. _He probably thinks this as a date_ , Jensen shudders at the realization.

“You have to get used to it, Jensen. You can’t hide forever,” He says.

_And whose fault is that asshole?_ Jensen swallows the angry retort from his lips and nods. Of course he can’t hide forever, of course he has to get out and buy some clothes. It’s just shopping, and if he can’t handle that then how can he handle anything else?

He’s honestly surprised when the car stops near a small, shapeless building. There is no nameplate or displays outside the store to indicate the nature of the goods sold inside. Jensen sits in the passenger seat and watches with barely concealed apprehension.

“Come on,” Jared says, “Don’t you want to shop?” His tone turns sharp, impatient.

“Coming,” Jensen says and gets out. Jared opens the door for him, holds it and beams at him like this is the finest gesture in the entire world. Jensen forces a smile, walks in.

The salesgirl looks up, takes a delicate sniff at air and smiles sweetly. She angles her body toward Jared, all the attention bestowed on him, her mouth spilt in a welcoming smile. Jensen notes the lack of eye contact and wonders. He catches a whiff of her scent, and decides, beta.

“Can I help you?,” She asks, directing the question to Jared, polite.

“I need clothes for my omega. Can you show us what is in trend?” Jared says.

“What do you have in mind? We have an extensive collection,” Jensen looks around and sees only few items around, the reality directly contradicting her statement.

So this is an Omega-store, he deduces.

“We have regular ones- for everyday use. They are affordable without being cheap. Then we have the special ones for the pregnant omegas-a kind of comfort clothes, you know like comfort food” She shakes her head and looks meaningfully at Jensen, eyes softening for the first time. It takes a while for him to name the emotion in her eyes, but then he does and feels the punch in his gut. _Pity. Jesus Christ, she pities him._

“Good,” Jared says and then turns to ask,

“What do you say, Do you like anything?” It’s not even the words, but the tone, almost patronizing to the extent of being laughable, that makes Jensen angry. Then again, nowadays everything makes him angry. So far the results have been useless, impotent.

“Yes, alpha,” He replies.

Jensen refuses to try any of them. _I’m not feeling very hot_ , he says, and uses his pregnancy as an excuse. Jared picks up a few for him, asks Jensen’s opinion intermittently. The quality seems to be inferior to what Jensen is used to, but the price is lower too. Jared flirts with the beta and enjoys her attention or it is the other way around, Jensen can't tell, honestly. No, it's not flirting exactly, it seems like he is genuinely enjoying this, like Jensen is a pet that needs to be pampered and Jared is a proud owner showing-off his precious one.

_Is he blind? Look at me; it could not be more obvious that I do not want to be here. Can’t he see that? Even this beta, this stranger can sense that for god’s sake. Does he even see me or does he only sees what he wants to see?_

It’s like watching a circus, honestly. And Jensen can’t wait for the show to end. He's bored.

“This is expensive when compared to others. But it would look good on him, see the lace here, it goes here, like fine silk. He can wear it for special occasions,” She says, and Jared’s eyes widen with interest. Jensen can guess what he is thinking at this exact second at that thought only infuriates him more.

“You really should buy them,” She says and adds, “Maybe some kind of fancy collar to go with the outfit, maybe something in green, to match his eyes. We have some in stock,” She leans in, almost touching his eyes before Jensen flinches.

Jensen knows that she is just trying to sell things, know that she is only doing her job here, but, that doesn’t make things any less humiliating.

Jared buys the dress, but not the collar. Jensen supposes it doesn't really matter. He is already on a leash, already tied up and suffocating, already someone's property. A collar will make it official, that's all.

_It could've been worse_ , Jensen thinks as they exit. Jared is carrying a few bags and even the fabric of those shirts (inexpensive and for normal use-the correct word is cheap) would feel better on Jensen' skin. They wouldn't smell like Jared, at least in the first few days.

"I can't wait to see you in that dress. I bet you would look fantastic, absolutely fuckable,"Later, in the car, Jared says.

Jensen leans back quietly, closes his eyes and pretends to sleep.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can see, this chapter was difficult to write. At this point I don't know whose headspace is more horrific to entertain, honestly.  
> Also the updates might be delayed because I need to complete my entry for the big-bang and that fic is currently kicking my ass. It's a dark story, as usual, but at least I am less involved,emotionally.

Jared waits in the bedroom. He is wound up tight, ready to spring at lightest of the touches. Half of it is anticipation, half of it something else that he cannot name yet.

Slowly, almost lazily he fists his cock into hardness, fingers brushing the head and rubbing, not to get off, just to kill some time. If he strains, he can hear the sound of water splashing onto the floor. He considers the possibility of joining Jensen in the shower like he did the other day, but dismisses the whim after a second. _Let Jensen take his time_ , he thinks graciously. Jared is in no mood to get wet now, not even if it turns into something more. Sure, he can see it in his head, both of them barely fitting under the showerhead, the water sprinkling on them and kissing their bodies as Jared licks the clear drops from the every surface of Jensen’s body. He groans in arousal.

Jensen has blunt nails. They are not manicured or anything like that but he keeps them clean, short. They are sharp too, Jared knows this from experience. The scars are all healed by now, but, he can still remember the way those nails cut his skin only a few days ago. Jared had loved the feel of them, loved the marks left behind on his body, Jensen’s marks. Something only Jared had the right to have.

_He’d looked so good then, spread underneath Jared, struggling, fighting, like an angry kitten, cute. Jared thinks._

The soft footsteps break the daydream and Jared sees Jensen, clad in a tee and jeans. Jared scowls at the sight of him letting his disappointment show on his face.

“Why aren’t you wearing the dress?” He asks.

“I’m not in the mood,” Jensen says, almost defiant. The shirt is one size too small, material stretched across the broad shoulders, almost to the point of breaking. Jared could see the tight nubs of his nipples straining against the thin fabric of the shirt clearly.

“Come here,” He says.

Jensen comes reluctantly. This is one detail that never changes in their sex life. Jensen would gladly initiate things between them, would kiss him like no one ever has before, would take everything Jared has to give and ask for more without complaining for a second. The whores Jared used to fuck hadn’t been this good, and they certainly were getting paid for it.

But there is always something missing, something vital is just not there and Jared has only started to suspect recently.

“This will get you into mood,” He says offhandedly and leans in, buries his face in the hollow of Jensen’s neck and inhales slowly. The scent here is strong and pure, all Jensen. No, he inhales again and frowns for a moment. Something surfaces in his memories, some unidentified detail makes itself known and he struggles to remember.

And he is that kid again. Cold, shivering, scrawny seven year old child who had no one in the entire world, who got beat up every other day and cried himself to sleep every other night. He’s that child who shared body-heat with Jensen till he was eleven, who used to seek shelter in Jensen’s arms when he got afraid of monsters. After one of those nightmares, he would kick and scratch and Jensen would hold him tightly, would murmur soothing words in his ear, until he would fall sleep again, undisturbed. Jared would hide his face in the hollow of Jensen’s throat, where Jensen’s pulse was strong and sure and rhythmic, and would use it as an anchor to banish all the nightmares.

Before Jensen used smell like that, not like alpha, beta or omega. He used to smell like home and safety.

Jared feels hollow. Jensen doesn’t smell same anymore. His scent has been changed, is mixed with something else, different. It doesn’t feel like Jensen, not at all. Jensen, he realizes abruptly, doesn’t smell like safety or security anymore. He smells bitter.

Jared stops inhaling and for a split second feels something in his guts, something that is incredibly painful and obvious like the last breath of a drowning man, and shudders. An unusually clear thought occupies his mind, and refuses to let go.

 _What have I done? The fractured words echo in his mind for an instant, and he silences the voice that dares to speak to him in this manner, buries it underground along with the little kid who used to look up and worship his best friend_.

And hastily proceeds to fuck Jensen like he deserves. 

 

Parasite.

A parasite is defined as an animal or a plant that lives in or on a host. It obtains the necessary nourishment from the host without benefitting the host. Parasites don’t kill their host, they do something much worse, they manipulate their host in doing their bidding. It’s a pretty neat trick, really.

 _The cubs,_ Jensen thinks, stops there, and takes a moment before continuing further. It’s incredibly difficult for him to think of them as cubs, that word doesn’t make sense to him, not at all. He thinks of them as parasites, always have, always will. When he is with Jared, he talks about them with the loving intensity of an expectant parent. It’s not difficult to fake, the excitement in his voice genuine, because he already feels so much for them, only that the emotion they invoke him is not love, not love at all.

The cubs are not parasites, not in the biological sense, not if one applies the definition rigorously. A parasite must come from outside world; it cannot be something that shares host’s DNA. And Jensen is pretty sure that these things share his DNA. That makes them his offspring. Yet, Jensen can never call them that.

Children are product of love, symbol of hope, proof of commitment. Calling these parasite children would be a travesty.

Apart from the DNA part, they fit the definition, perfectly. They are changing him, not violently like Jared did, but gradually, slowly, horrifyingly they are modifying his body to serve their interests. In the coming months, his hips will widen and his chest will expand, and his body will remold itself to serve them. His body, something he took for granted all these years, something he was sure belonged to him, would change to cater their needs without his consent.

It’s not only his body that is under their spell, no, Jensen is not that fortunate. His mind is a tethered bird, always asking questions, always imagining, always doubting.

_How could he think like this? Don’t they share his blood? How could he even entertain the idea of harming them? Isn’t he obligated to take care of them regardless of the outcome?_

_And the worse of all, the one question that really needs to be answered because of the implications._

_Aren’t they innocent? Why should they pay for Jared’s crimes?_

And Jensen screams back with the relentlessness of a madman until he can convince that little voice that speaks in increasingly irregular intervals. Until the brittle corners of his psyche are riddled with the answers, until that mythical biological impulse to protect one’s kin has been murdered.

_Why shouldn’t they pay? Who will be foolish enough to willingly suffer these parasites? Not Jensen, not Jensen, not Jensen._

The irony doesn’t escape him, not even for a single second. Jared sleeps without regret, and Jensen has nightmares. Jensen will carry the parasites and they will ultimately benefit Jared. Jensen is the one who has to take tough decisions and carry the guilt while Jared escapes the burden. Jensen has to give explanations to support himself, always guilty for the simple reason of wanting control over his own body.

_Life is unfair._

Jensen doesn’t have anything. Not even his body is his, he is just a brood sac, a bitch. If he keeps these parasites, he would be forever relegated to that role, permanently.

 _I won't give up,_ he thinks, even as he feels the first twitches inside his belly, indicating the sign of the movement. 


	14. Chapter 14

“Why aren’t you wearing the dress?” Jared asks in a low voice. His tone is harsh; it rubs Jensen wrong, grates on his nerves like fresh sandpaper.

_Because I’m not your whore and you don’t own me, that’s why._

Jensen doesn’t let the words fall from his lips. There is so much he wants to say, so much he is suppressing, waiting for the right time and place before speaking, it’s almost surprising that he could still think, almost.

“I’m not in the mood,” He says, trying to convey all the hatred he feels in those words.

His mind is not in it. Jared, when all is said and done, is a known entity. His motives, his reasons, his actions are tangible, predictable. All the clues were there before too and Jensen had missed them because he wasn’t looking for any of them. Now, Jensen knows where to look, and he feels fairly confident in his ability. Each day he picks up new pieces that help him to unlock the puzzle that is Jared. Each minute he spends with Jared makes him more confident.

So Jared is not the primary source of concern. It wouldn’t be easy to manipulate him, but it’s doable.

The parasites, on the other hand, frighten him. You fear what you don’t know. You fear the unknown. And Jensen feels like a kid scared of monsters under his bed. This time, the monsters are not under his bed, they are growing inside him, that’s the only difference.

The parasites aren’t dormant anymore. Jensen can feel them moving, already poking at his insides and finding places to hide. He’s sick of them. Come to think of it, he is sick of everything.

“Come here,” Jared drawls and Jensen walks toward him, like a condemned man walking toward the gallows for his execution. Jared sits up, spreads his legs in invitation and Jensen steps in between.

He wonders at the ease with which he does it. Maybe there is a script somewhere that he is following; a manual where all the mechanics are written and Jensen is drawing the material from that. Like a road map to get in Jared’s good graces. When to touch, where to kiss, how to moan, trivial things like that described in detail for Jensen’s benefit.

Jared’s chest is bare and his muscles bulge and move as he changes his posture. His nipples are copper-brown and peaked in arousal. His stomach is taut in anticipation, his face tilted towards Jensen. His pants are too low on his slim hips, barely hanging there. He isn’t wearing any underwear.

_Is this the same scrawny kid who used to be always hungry? When did he grow-up to become this thing?_

And Jensen could clearly see the outline of his dick, half-hard and unmistakable in the low light of the room. Jensen body reacts, like it is supposed to, bound by the nature. Like a man in a fading dream, he bends down to kiss those pink, pink lips.

Jared stops him and hides his face in the hollow of Jensen’s throat where Jensen’s pulse is fluttering like a hummingbird in flight. Jensen shivers once again as the gesture takes him to the past, to a time when world made sense. And the carefully designed mask slips up, letting the bitter core to come out and play.

_Why did you do it, Jared? Why? You should’ve killed me and it would’ve hurt me less. What did I ever do to you?_

And miraculously Jared stops, relaxes his hold on Jensen, as if contemplating something. Jensen could literally see the wheels in his head turn and shift, could see the way Jared relives the past. Even the air seems chillier now, reminding him of the winter nights and dead friendships’.

Jensen dares to hope. He knows that he shouldn’t, knows that the Jared he knew, the real Jared is gone, but the hope is a starving child and it refuses to die. Even when there is nothing left to hold on, Jensen dares to hope.

Jared’s shoulders slump in defeat, his hands still in mid-motion, his scent change to reflect his state of mind, and Jensen feels that change in his heart. Regret smells like sour grapes, and Jared smells like regret, apologetic and guilty. Jensen holds his breath and waits.

The moment, as fragile as the silence before the disaster, breaks, shatters. Jared’s eyes close and reopen, refocus. They are determined now, free of guilt and regret. When they focus on Jensen, there aren’t any questions in them, only orders.

And the last bit of hope surrenders and dies.

Jensen feels numb, even as Jared starts fucking him with renowned vigor. _Jared is getting good at this_ , he thinks, suppressing a funny chuckle in his throat.

He is happy, in a twisted, sick kind of way. He doesn’t know what he would’ve done if Jared had apologized, doesn’t know what he would’ve done if Jared had begged for redemption. Jensen cannot forgive him, it is not in him, just like he cannot stop breathing. It seems like his very existence is currently revolving around the hate he feels for Jared and his spawn. He is a man with a one track mind, literally.

_A man? Are you sure about that? You seem more like a bitch to me._

The thought rises from the depths of his mind, poisonous and hissing like a snake. It doesn’t leave him for a long time, hides in the folds and bites him whenever he dares to think about something else.

 

“Give me your hand,” Jensen says in a hushed voice. He feels raw, like he always feels after these sessions.

Jared touches his belly, move his fingers with delicate trust, as if not to hurt the cubs inside. His face fills with wonder when the parasites start moving. His face lights up and something akin to happiness graces his features.

“Did you see that?” He asks.

“I did. You know, you can talk to them. I’m sure they will love to hear from you,” Jensen says.

Jared talks non-sense and Jensen listens to each word with apt concentration. Notes the enthusiasm in Jared’s voice and compares it with his own bitterness. Locks his fingers with Jared’s wandering ones and feels the slight curve of his stomach, smiles like a marble doll.

“Can you sing to them, Jensen?” Jared says, finally coming back to Jensen.

Jensen used to sing, but now it feels like he is incapable of that. He is certainly not in a place where he can sing lullabies to the parasites, that would be tortuous to him. He doesn't reply, and Jared doesn't ask again.

Jensen's dreams of tall trees and free world that night.  


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know your thoughts.

Jared falls in love for the second time in his life. And it is as spectacular as the first time.

Sure, there are differences. This time, Jared is not fourteen. This time, Jared is not a kid wanting his best friend. This time, his mind is not clouded with lust.

All the same, Jared falls again.

But there are similarities too. Jared’s heart beats with the same anticipation; his nerves sing with same pleasure, his mind fills with same euphoria. First love is a wonderful thing and Jared encounters it for a second time. And it is no less intense now, no less consuming.

Life is made up of moments. Normally these moments are numerous, boring and repetitive. But, once in a while, there comes a moment which changes everything, which reshapes the reality for that particular individual as surely as a river redefines the landscape.

Jared is familiar with such moments. He has a handful of them stored in his memory, preserved for later use. There are the most cherished memories of his life, the ones he would love to take to his grave. Unsurprisingly Jensen is in most of them. He is in all of them.

Jensen spread on Jared’s silk sheets with a smile on his face hiding the faint blush on his face or Jensen bent on the kitchen counter, making little sounds as Jared fucks him from behind. The magical moment when Jensen’s scent changed from the bitter alpha to the sweet omega or the instant Jensen finally opened his legs for Jared willingly. Jared is not choosy and he has a lot of options as of late. Although the moment when Jensen’s scent changed from the alpha (wrong, wrong, wrong) to the omega (so right) was Jared’s favorite.

Until now, that is.

Jensen’s belly is slightly curved now. It’s not really noticeable unless you are looking for it actively but it’s there, undeniable. It is the sanctuary where Jared’s children rest safely. Jared’s cubs, unborn and fragile, are living there, and that physical proof pleases him beyond belief.

_I did that,_ _I caused this to happen_. He thinks with something like wonder filling his mind.

It’s like they know him, and Jared knows how crazy that idea sounds, but it is true. Maybe they can sense him instinctively, maybe they know their father, it wouldn’t surprise Jared.

_They are mine,_ he feels the first rush of protectiveness in his chest, the emotion alien and wonderful at the same time.

Jared talks to them every day. And they listen to him. It feels like there is a connection between them and without even seeing the tiny cubs, he falls in love with them. It’s impossible not to. They are part Jensen and part him, they are his cubs, and they are the result of the best thing that happened in Jared’s life. How could he not love them? Jared can’t wait to meet them, can’t wait to play with little devils. 

Soon, they would be a real family. Jared would be the best dad in the entire world, he would pamper and spoil them with things he never had as a child. There would be picnics and birthday parties. There would be laughter. Jared could see them, two alpha sons with Jared’s smile and dimples, and one beta daughter with green, green eyes. She would be Jared’s princess and he wouldn’t let anyone harm his little family.

Jared’s mate sleeps beside him, exhausted. Jared traces the freckles, lazily draws constellations on the bare skin. Unintentionally sings in a low voice, trying to reach the cubs despite the physical barrier between them. Jensen twitches in his sleep, his beautiful face marred by deeply set stress lines. Jared throws his arms around him, scoots nearer until there is no space left between them and holds. The possessiveness rushes through him, threatens to engulf him even as he tries to listen to Jensen’s heartbeat.

_My omega and my cubs,_ he thinks,smiling. The thought repeats in his mind even as the sleep claims him.

 

Friday they go to the hospital. It serves two purposes. One is to get a last minute check-up before leaving for Alaska (Government regulations- can’t risk the children), second is to get some advice on Jensen’s health.

The doctor is a kind old man whose eyes see more than they should. His hands are weathered and his face is ancient looking, but his eyes are clear and sharp. Jensen concentrates on the hands, refuses to meet the eyes, for some unknown reason.

He’s an alpha, Jensen knows this. But the years have mellowed him, and the old man smells like hospital now. Jensen is glad for that. He’s not sure he can handle smelling an alpha now.

Jensen’s stomach, grumbles again, the terrible feeling of something not being right creeps in. It’s nothing serious, just the morning sickness. The doctor says in that cool, collected voice. But Jensen knows better. It’s his body, fighting back for the autonomy. It’s a silent struggle where his body tries to purge the alien matter.

It’s a pity that it is not possible. Jensen can vomit all morning, but the parasites will still be there. Although it has been fun to watch Jared’s tense face, the sight almost enough for Jensen to forget his annoyance. Jared is frantic with worry, as if Jensen is dying instead of puking his guts, as if something is going to happen to him. No, the worry is not for Jensen, of that Jensen is sure. It is for the well-being of parasites.

Doctor’s fingers are deft and they mean business. Jensen winces when they press and inspect, consciously biting back the retort. He’s naked under the green scrubs and the feeling of vulnerability never leaves him. The bed is cold on his back, the sheets sterile smelling, the room partially dark.

His nipples are twisted and tested, his insides are poked, all part and parcel of his new life. _Maybe I should open my mouth so that they can check the condition of my teeth,_ he thinks hysterically. Good teeth mean good breeding, right?

“He’s a bit skinny, that’s all. Other than that he is in excellent condition considering his situation,”

Now, the doctor refuses to meet Jared’s eyes and it takes a while for Jensen to place his expression. An alpha that turns other alphas is mostly admired, but there are some people who do not share the general view. And this doctor could belong to that minority.

“And cubs?” Jared asks, eagerly.

“They are healthy, as they should be. I’m prescribing some vitamins. Make sure that he takes them regularly. Alpha-to-omega pregnancies are usually difficult to handle, but, this one seems remarkably normal to me,” He says, eyes flickering across and meeting Jensen’s eyes for a spilt second.

_This is making him uncomfortable. He doesn’t have the guts to look into Jensen’s eyes. Maybe there was someone in his life, maybe an omega child who got reassigned to the brothels, or a friend who got lost in one of the breeding centers. Jensen doesn’t know but there is definitely a story there. And it is not something that interests Jensen._

Tomorrow, Jensen will be out of this place. And that is what really matters.


	16. Chapter 16

Friday night settles in with the gracelessness of unwanted guests. 

The time slows down, to the point of almost stopping. Jensen checks his watch, checks the clock again. The seconds tickle slowly, like blood flowing from an open wound, unhurried. Every moment drags until Jensen feels the frustration bubbling up in his chest. 

For Jensen the night feels sinister, the house malevolent, the silence oppressive. Jared’s presence is muted, Jensen’s mind on other things, important things. Jared is there, always there, like a danger unrealized and unresolved. Like threat looming in the background, creeping, always creeping. But for the moment, Jensen doesn’t give much thought to him. Familiar monsters invoke less fear.

_They wouldn’t let him go. They wouldn’t. The government would step in and stop them from leaving. Something would happen, some new ordinance will come into picture, and he would be stuck here. He can’t let his hopes up, he just can’t._

_Even if they let him go, there is no saying on what will happen in Alaska .Maybe the situation there is worse than here, maybe Jensen is even foolish in trying this. Maybe, just maybe Jensen should slit Jared’s throat tonight. Maybe it is time to end this obscene dance they have got going._  

Jensen packs his clothes, mechanically, efficiently. There is not much variety, not like there was before. There are clothes he would never wear again. There are things he might not have again. And it is always better to be prepared for the worst case scenario. If you don’t let yourself fly high in the first place, if you don’t dream of freedom, the fall might not hurt you very badly. The aftermath might not kill you. If you don’t dream of high skies and sunshine, then, broken wings might not end you. 

That leather jacket. It was expensive. He had bought it with his first salary, as a gift to himself, as a celebration. He was working two jobs then, always busy, always starving. He had saved money for months. He had paid for it with his hard-earned money, grumbling about the price. He misses it. Misses the things it symbolized for him. Remembers how happy he was that day, remembers thinking that he got his life all figured out now. How naïve was that. How foolish. When he had it, he hadn’t realized the significance, but now, he does. He would never wear it again and go out to have fun without a care in the world. He would never have the opportunity to be free, again. He would never be safe, never be whole. 

If there was one thing he wanted to keep, if he had the choice, it would’ve been that jacket. Not the engagement ring or his mobile phone. Not even the half-torn photograph of his parents. But Jared says that he auctioned everything and Jensen says nothing. He doesn’t want to give Jared more ammo. Also that jacket was kind of old. It wouldn’t look that good on him now, he is sure. 

He would always feel this pain in his chest; always witness the battle between his mind and body. Would never be sure about anything, would never know what he really wants or what his biology dictates. With a sudden jolt, he understands something. 

_He would never be able to trust anyone. He would never fall in love again. He would never have children. Not with this body. Not with this broken shell of a body that he despises, not when the mere thought of them invokes disgust in him. (And he used to love the idea of kids so much, so much.)_  

_He would never fall asleep without the razor edge of fear dogging at his heels. He would never feel safe again, not in any place, not with anyone. He would never be able to cast out the suspicion and distrust._  

The war between his mind and his body would never cease to happen; this is his new reality. And it is so gloomy, filled with darkness that Jensen couldn’t even imagine seeing light again. There might be a silver line somewhere. There has to be. There has to be light at the end of the tunnel. There must be. 

_The light would be there at the end of the tunnel. Of course it would be there. Light of an incoming train. The train will be there, to crush him again, to break his legs so that he could never ever dream of walking again. So that he never even entertains the thought of escaping this place. The cynical part of his mind, observes._  

Jared speaks then, breaking the thought process. And despite everything, Jensen is thankful for that. He stops fidgeting, fixes Jared with a stare, gives him full attention. Jared produces two tickets from his pocket, a proud smile covering his face. 

“I got them, Jenny,“ He says. Like Jensen is a kid and Jared is awarding him with candies. No, no. More like Jensen is a good doggy who earned his prize and Jared is the proud owner who got them for him. Jensen thinks of that smile, the one he practices every morning, and calls it into existence. By this time, it is all muscle memory. Not too slutty, not too shy, just the right amount of spice. Jared seems to appreciate it. 

Jensen takes the tickets, reads the name. Everything seems to be in order. Sees his name, notes the change in last name. He is a Padalecki now, not an Ackles anymore. His status is printed in red, block letters and Jensen’s eyes drag over the word, involuntarily. The word Omega, dominates the left side of the ticket, as if someone would accidently miss that detail. 

He keeps them aside. _This is happening_ , he thinks.

 

 

Jared doesn’t fuck him that night. Doesn’t suffocate him with his body. Gives a little space to breath. And it does wonders for Jensen. Soothes his paranoid mind, gives him a little time to reorganize his thoughts. It’s not much, but, it is enough for now. He doesn't sleep all night, stares at ceiling with newfound interest.

Yet, he can’t help but feel the dread in him, at every step, at every minute. Rationally he knows that things will go smooth, go right. Theoretically he knows this. But knowing and believing are entirely different matters. 

The things go smooth. And Jensen moves like a man lost in a foreign landscape. The looks he is getting at the airport fluster him, and it takes a lot to keep his head high. There are noises that vaguely sound like cat-calls. Jared seems oblivious to all of this. Or maybe not so oblivious. The occasional tightening of grip on his wrists seems to negate that. For the first time Jensen recognizes that Jared has grown, matured into an alpha. Sees the way his body towers over Jensen's and wonders at his own foolishness. How did he miss this, before?

He feels drowsy, after boarding. All the tension gets replaced by something resembling relief and he feels his eyes close in gratitude. 

  


	17. Chapter 17

Friday night morphs into Saturday morning.

Jared wakes up first. Rubs his eyes and blinks, turns his head slowly towards Jensen. This is one thing that rarely changes in his morning routine. His eyes always search for Jensen; his body automatically seeks him, seeks his warmth. Jensen is the first thing he wants. His entire body gravitates toward Jensen like a plant gravitating toward the sun.

Jensen sleeps beside him, oblivious to Jared’s thoughts. Usually he is the first to wake up and Jared often finds cold sheets devoid of Jensen’s warmth in his place. He is not up yet, so Jared grabs this rare opportunity, studies his mate with interest. Lightly traces the curve of his eye-brow with fingertips, listens to his heart-beats, and watches the slow rise and fall of his chest.

Jensen’s face is picture perfect. Composed and calm. The frown lines on his forehead have all but disappeared. His lips are full and moist, slightly open. His scent is fresh and inviting. Jared’s cock, already half-hard, takes notice, twitches in his briefs.

Sometimes it all seems like a dream, a wish. Sometimes he has trouble in believing the reality of Jensen, sometimes he thinks all of this as a dream, and hopes to never wake up. Sometimes he needs to touch Jensen to convince himself that this is not just an illusion. He opts to do the same now, wants to kiss those lips to taste Jensen unique flavor. To make sure that Jensen is really here, finally.

Something occurs to him all of a sudden; just as he is bending down to kiss those lips. He frowns, and stops the motion, not really sure of his actions.

_Everything about Jensen is perfect. Too perfect._

_Like a doll made of flesh. Like a picture taken out of a book._

Jared tries to shrug off the absurd idea from his thoughts, but it proves to be difficult. The contrast between Jensen’s sunken cheeks and his perfect smile comes into his mind, and something unwanted uncoils inside Jared, asks questions. Jared avoids answering them, avoids thinking about them, because he is not yet ready. He is just not ready.

Now, he looks at Jensen critically, trying to search for the clues. Tries to assess his mate like an outsider might do. This time, he notices more details, details that he usually ignores. Jensen looks skinny. He must have lost a lot of weight. His body is trying to adjust and adapt, the transition is taking a toll on him. That must be it. That must be the reason behind the sunken cheeks. That must be the reason for protruding ribs and fragile looking skin.

Surely, Jensen is happy. Surely, Jared is not the one to blame, since he is taking good care of his mate. They have had their differences, but, Jared can’t seem to find anything that will truly make Jensen miserable. Maybe Jensen is right and this city is not good for them. In that case, Jared is glad that they are moving out. A change is what they need, that’s all.

But that perfect smile doesn’t leave his thoughts. The vague sense of foreboding haunts him for the rest of the day.

In the airport, he holds Jensen tight, the gesture mimicking his state of mind. He sees the looks Jensen is getting and it takes all his will-power to keep control over his anger. They don’t have the right to look at Jensen; they don’t even have the right to breathe the same air. Jared wants to keep Jensen away from them- in one of the remote islands where no one but Jared can have him.

He loosens his grip when Jensen winces, and sees the dark marks around Jensen’s wrist. Finger-shaped blue marks on golden skin. They will bruise and Jared finds satisfaction in that thought.

 

Alaska.

Jensen is in Alaska. He made it. He’s here. For better or for worse, he is here.

He watches with curious eyes. The people here are polite and most of them are uninterested in him. The airport is less crowded and he doesn’t hear any cat-calls. Maybe he is just projecting his feelings on others, maybe he is only seeing the things he wants to see. But he feels good here. He hasn’t even met anyone, doesn’t know if this place is better than the previous one- but he feels good here.

He tries to recall the things he had heard about this place. History wasn’t his favorite subject and he doesn’t remember much. Before the war, Alaska was just another state, just another part of the republic. The war, Jensen knows, changed a lot of things. In the war, they fought as a nation, at first. But the enemy was sneaky and people were afraid of each other, were afraid that central government will forget them, will sacrifice them for the greater good.

By the time the war ended, the nation had ceased to exist. The states had assumed full autonomy and decentralization of power and authority had taken place.

 

Jared looks at him expectantly, waiting for Jensen’s response. The house stands tall in the middle of the green trees. The cool breeze caresses Jensen’s skin with ghost fingers. Soothes the deep ache inside him, provides him with much needed comfort.

They move inside. Jensen washes his face in the sink, lets the splashes of cold water wash away the fatigue set deep in his bones. He used to be so strong, so sure of himself. Now, he seems to tire easily. He used to know his limits and he used to push those limits every day. Now, all of that is just a memory, long-buried in the past. Now, he is a blind man walking on a path riddled with thorns. Bloody feet are the least of his worries.

“Do you like it?” Jared asks.

“This is perfect. Just perfect.” Jensen says, truthfully. The house is perfect, in all the ways that matter to him. He hasn’t seen every room, not yet, but what he has seen pleases him. The house is huge and isolated. The trees surround the structure. And if Jensen strains, he can hear the running water.

Jared stops him from leaving. When he speaks again, his voice is soft, barely above a whisper.

“I know that I haven’t been very good to you. I know that this” Spreads his arms to indicate the space between them, and Jensen feels the first signs of uneasiness in his guts, “I know this wasn’t what you wanted. But, Jensen, this is what we have now. You and kids are all I have now. Do you get that?”

Jared’s voice is low, very low. His fingers stroke the inside of Jensen’s wrists in a delicate manner, his eyes bore into Jensen. Jensen swallows, refuses to meet the earnest gaze, feels the unnamable emotion inside him, rising. One part of his mind, the animal part, the omega likes this, is preening under the attention of its alpha. _Jared has all but_ _apologized now_ , it sings. _Don’t be a bitch_ , it chides. _Forgive him_ , it pleads.

Jensen looks up, meets Jared’s eyes without shame. Doesn’t calculate before speaking, because, he is telling the truth now, even if Jared hears it differently. Knows that what he says now is important, very important.

“You don’t have to say it, Jared.” He says quietly. “I get it. I get why you did what you did. There is no need to say anymore,” Then, vomits the words with painful honesty.

“Don’t worry. We understand each other. Don’t worry. I know what I have now.” Steals a kiss from Jared's lips,essentially stopping the conversation before it could go further.

Jared melts in him then, hugs him like he is trying to get inside Jensen's skin. Jensen holds the shaking mass of him in his arms and lets his mind wander.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks for all the kudos and comments.

Alaska is as cold as Jensen’s heart is nowadays. Jensen prefers this coldness to the inferno of his life.

The snow falls outside, grains of fine dust, covering the yard, blanketing the trees.Jensen gazes at the falling snowflakes through the open curtains. This house is built of solid wood, walls thick and impenetrable, secure. But, there are windows, plenty of windows that allow the access to the outside world. Windows with fluffy curtains in the place of iron bars.

The snow is beautiful. Jensen can’t see the entire picture from his position can’t see the way sun shines on the open fields, only gets the details. He can imagine the rest, can imagine the sunlit slopes of the valleys, can see the shadowed curves of running water. The images tempt him, tell him to do something different for once, tell him to come out and play, for once in his miserable life.

He’s not dressed for this kind of climate. Most of his clothes are better suited for summer vacations. Brightly colored threadbare garments suitable for places where sun shines with abandon. Maybe the omega shop didn’t have them in stock, maybe Jared thought of them as unnecessary. Whatever is the reason; Jensen is now left without something decent to wear for this weather.

 _You don’t need them, Do you Jensen? You really don’t need them_. He can see Jared telling that to him, patiently waiting for Jensen to understand the truth in his words.

The cold stays outside. The house, with the windows closed, with the doors shut, stays warm. The house will stay like that; will stay warm, provided Jensen keeps the doors closed. Winter chill cannot affect him, as long as he opts to stay inside. _Follow the rules and stay safe, follow the rules and everything will be good_. He can hear the words, again and again, in his head, like honeyed promise of slavery.

His hands tremble as he opens the latch clumsily, fingers less sure of the motion with every passing second. The action of stepping outside, alone, takes more will power than he ever imagined. Jared is not home, and Jensen feels that with each step, like a weight tied to his ankles. This fear, or this hesitation, whatever it is, is irrational. That doesn’t mean that it is easier to shake it off him.

It couldn’t have been more than a few days; it couldn’t have been more than a few weeks. Can thirty days erase thirty years that came before? Jensen does not know the answer. But at this moment, standing in front of the open door, shaking like a leaf in the wind, almost having a panic attack at the mere thought of leaving this house, he feels the truth of it inside his bones.

The first step is always the hardest. The Jensen from the past, the Jensen who never knew the bitter taste of betrayal would have laughed at this, would’ve laughed at these thoughts. Would have chided his future self for acting all crazy, but, then, that Jensen wouldn’t have survived any of this.

He walks outside, feeling unrestrained for the first time in a while. The chains are still in place, the invisible shackles that bind him are still in place, and perhaps they would always be there, as long as he lives. But something has changed in last few days, a shift has occurred. A slight twist in the way Jensen’s world operates, a very small change that has the potential to grow into more. Maybe it is this house, maybe it is this place. Maybe it is the kind smile of a stranger bestowed at the least expected moment. Whatever it is, Jensen feels almost weightless now, almost free.

He was right. The wind blows lightly, a silent caress on his skin. The snow is everywhere, a white blanket on the face of the earth. Snowflakes shine and glitter in sunlight, crystallized water scattered on the ground. Jensen watches with barely concealed astonishment.

Like tears fallen from the sky. Like the undeniable evidence of the unbearable sadness.

It is beautiful. The reality is better, more beautiful than his imagination.

Jensen walks on the ground, barefoot. He registers the ever-present chill in the air, registers the other-worldly quality of it. His skin breaks in goosebumps, involuntary shudders rake across his body. He vaguely remembers that this is not good, remembers about frost-bites and dead skin cells. What he recalls is not enough to make him stop. The snowflakes are cool on his fevered skin, the shape and texture of them oddly soothing. Not enough to extinguish the flames inside him, but enough to keep him from burning.

With each step, he hears something, the barest shuffle of leaves, the lightest touches of the chilled air on his skin. The crunch of snow getting crushed under the soles of his feet doesn’t reach his ears. Somehow, it is too low, too insignificant to catch his attention.

He lifts his hand, unclenches the fingers and turns them upward, open palm facing toward the sky. Fresh snowflakes are falling, white feathers falling downwards from the skies. One of them lands on Jensen’s palm, delicate and small. Jensen closes his fingers again, tries to keep the featherlike substance inside. Waits to feel the bite of cold ice on the warm skin, waits for the sensation.

Numb. Somehow, he feels numb. Curiously empty.

Numbness, that is all left now. Numb, to the core of his soul.

“Jensen” He knows this voice. It is strangely familiar to him.

“Jensen” The volume escalates.

“Jensen” He can’t ignore it anymore. Can’t stay in that place, need to come back. The voice is nearer now, and Jensen can hear frustration and anger in it, in equal measures.

_One minute. He thinks. Give me one minute. Just one more, please._

Soon, hands are gripping him, shaking him, grabbing him out of that place where everything was curiously, blessedly numb. Soon, the silence shatters and noise takes the place left behind. And Jensen comes to his senses. Slowly.

It's Jared. His lips are moving. He’s frowning, his features twisted in something resembling anger. Jensen blinks, looks around and shivers again.

“You fool. Why are you outside?" Jared's fingers, long and gentle, touch Jensen's face. The action contradicting the ugly frown on his face.

The snowflake, Jensen thinks, urgently. He needs to check on that. When he looks, it is gone, already changed, turned into water. Lost.

Jensen doesn’t speak anything after that. Doesn't offer any resistance either. Lets Jared work on him, until he can feel the chill again.   

 

 

That night, he thinks of the needles. Lots of needles. He could take up knitting. A new hobby to keep him occupied. Maybe. Jared will never say no to that. And needles have other uses too, they could come handy in case of Jensen having no other alternatives.

 


	19. Chapter 19

There is something wrong with Jensen. And Jared can’t ignore it anymore. Not after the latest incident. Not when he has a shaking Jensen in his arms.

He hauls Jensen inside quickly. The fire is lit in the fireplace, the air warm and sweet, the sensation welcoming after the chill he felt outside. Scarlet light falls on Jensen’s delicate features, emphasizing each and every curve. For once, Jared’s mind is not into it. He can’t appreciate those perfect lips when they are turning blue.

Jensen’s fingertips have acquired the same color. Jared rubs his fingers, tries to transfer the body-heat without success. Jensen is so cold, ice cold. Jared manages not to flinch, but it’s a close thing. He hastily removes Jensen’s clothes, wraps him in a warm blanket and works on him until he can feel the first tendrils of heat inside him.

Jensen eyes are closed now. And Jared doesn't want to look into them, not anytime soon. He is not ready to see the same glassy-eyed look in them, not again.

No, it was not sudden at all. It was something that was there, something that Jared saw and chose to ignore. It was there in the perfect smile that graced Jensen’s lips, it was there in the furtive kisses, it was there in the every move. It was there, hiding in the plain sight and Jared was too blind to see it.

All those feelings he had over the past few days, all those premonitions he was having were confirmed.

Jared is scared. He isn’t willing to admit it to anyone less alone to Jensen. He is not scared of Jensen. That thought had never occurred to him, not even when Jensen was an Alpha. And now he has no reasons to fear anything from Jensen. Yet, he is scared, inexplicably.

The snapshot of Jensen surrounded by all that snow has been etched into Jared's memory. The cold-beauty of him contrasted with the inherent vulnerability of an omega presenting a terrifying picture. Jared recalls that again, feels something inside him shiver at the thought and decides to talk with Jensen in the morning.

 

 

The cold doesn’t leave Jensen. Not even with Jared wrapped around him like a human blanket. The pale-blue dots on his fingertips have all but disappeared. Although he suspects that his blood has turned blue now.

Jared cares for him. The skeptical voice inside his head snickers at this observation. Jensen knows that Jared’s reasons are complicated, knows that there are parasites involved in his though process. But that doesn’t take anything away from the truth. Jensen can call it as love, ownership or betrayal, but he can’t deny the depth of Jared’s feeling for him. They are twisted, but they go deep-like a cancerous tumor.

Time is running. Jensen can feel it, can feel the seconds ticking by. There is a deadline. The hands of the invisible clock rush with renewed interest. And he has no more excuses to stall the inevitable. No more reasons to justify the delay.

In a perfect world, he will be ready. In a perfect world, he will be aware of everything. In that world he will have no doubts or questions. There will be no obstacles. There will be no break-downs, no second guesses. In that world he will have someone to cushion his fall. In that world, Jensen will be the one to win.

In that world, Jensen would have remained unbroken. In that world, Jared would have been the best man at Jensen’s wedding.

But unfortunately this is not that world. He has no plan. It’s the shameful truth. He never had a detailed plan. An idea-yes, a thought- sure, but not something that is worked out to the last detail. No, he never had that.

It’s understandable given the situation. To make a plan, a workable one, you would need the data. You would need the inside information, would need the insight into your target’s mind. Jensen might know how to read Jared but that wouldn’t help him much in the long run. Jared is his immediate consideration, true, but the society comes as a close second. And Jensen has little data on this unknown variable.

Choosing Alaska was a decision made on the spot. It was a way to get out of the suffocating clutches of the city, a way to get away from the prying eyes. He has freedom here, in this house. But the conditions apply. The conditions always apply. There is a computer in the house. Jensen has the credentials. He could log in and access it, could use it. It’s of the limited access only variety.

Jared is good at keeping the illusion. Jared still acts like his best-friend, still smiles with the playful intent. His smile, carefree and beautiful, catches Jensen unaware, tugs at his heartstrings. The illusion is beautiful, the reality is ugly. Sometimes he tends to forget that, and the parasites twitch inside him to remind him of that point.

He’s been thinking of the ways to get rid of them.

The needles are not his first choice. They are not even his second choice. But they are on his radar. They are there as a contingency plan, as the last resort. They are his version of cyanide capsules, last option of a suicidal bomber.

Needles are better than coat hangers. They look less intimidating. He’ll give them that.

Needles made up of wood, metal or plastic. Thin, long, innocent-looking ones- they would do. At least he thinks that they would be enough. Hopes that one would be enough to do the job.

_Would it hurt?_

Of course, it would hurt. Even Jensen, with all his dubious knowledge, can answer that question.

He doesn’t know how his body works. Not really. He has gathered some information from the two doctors he had visited with Jared, but his knowledge remains incomplete. He wasn’t encouraged to ask a lot of questions. Mostly, he was given instructions to follow, command implicit in each of them. Simple instructions, since he wasn’t deemed capable of handling more complex ones. He did try to gather more information but it was difficult to do so without raising any alarm bells.

He knows the basics. He knows there is a womb inside him where the parasites are growing. The idea of having this impossible organ itself is ridiculous but the heartbeats attest to the validity of that idea. He can even pinpoint the location, approximately. With eyes closed, he can touch his stomach and feel them. Feel the little fuckers inside his skin.

All of that barely helps here. If nothing else works, he can always try the brute force approach. Logically speaking, he knows what to do. Those sharp needles, pushed inside should be enough to do the job. There is always the risk of infection. There is also the risk of detection. Still it’s an option. A last one.

Tomorrow, Jensen is going to get some needles for himself.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should be working on my big-bang story but instead I'm here, posting the next part. I just hope that my beta never finds out about this:-)

Jared wakes up with a pounding headache.

Last night was intense. Jared kept having terrifying dreams, kept waking up every other hour to check on Jensen, and it took a toll on him. He was worried about Jensen. But honestly, he was more concerned about the cubs.

His children are so small now, so delicate. They are utterly, hopelessly defenseless, dependent on Jensen for their very survival. And Jensen was so careless with them. Jared hates to think about it. But, anything could have happened yesterday, anything.

He feels depleted of any energy and the thought of leaving the bed only serves him to upset more.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Jared thinks while trying to rub away the throbbing pain behind his eyes. It was never supposed to be like this.

When he turned Jensen, he knew. He knew from the beginning that it wasn’t going to be easy. Not easy at all. He knew that Jensen was head-strong and willful. But he hadn’t considered the full extent of Jensen’s stubbornness.

Not until Jensen accidently endangered the safety of his cubs.

He had anticipated the initial problems after the turning. He’d thought that Jensen was going to be upset about it for a while. It was understandable given the situation. That was why he was so patient with Jensen.

Now, it was getting ridiculous. By this time Jensen should have been settled in his new role. Being a good mate to his Alpha was the foremost duty of an omega. And Jared hadn’t asked for more, he was reasonable and affectionate toward Jensen. He was everything a good Alpha should have been, until now.

Now, he’s been forced to take some preventive measures. He’ll have to teach Jensen a few things about being obedient. Maybe he’ll even have to discipline Jensen because this type of behavior was clearly unacceptable.

Jared hates the thought of it. He doesn’t want to treat Jensen like that, they have too much history between them, and he loves Jensen more than anything in the world. Jensen is his mate, his omega, something that he treasures with all his heart.

“Your omega will require your full attention. You’ll have to guide him. ”

Jared recalls the advice he got back in the city. It sounds so true now, so fitting for this particular situation. Jared won’t be cruel, he doesn’t have that in him, but he will be firm.

Jensen is confused and clearly in need of guidance. As his alpha, Jared will be happy to do that. 

 

Jensen wakes up before dawn. It’s dark outside, the ground still untouched by the sunrays. He feels good, feels rested.

The excitement that courses through his mind is alien, and at first he is surprised by the presence of the emotion. This excitement, this anticipation is new. He struggles for a moment to identify the source of this feeling. Then he remembers about the needles. And feels his lips turn upward in a smile at the mere thought of them.

This is a new day. And Jensen’s got things that need to be done. The numbness is still there, but, now, there is purpose too. He has some work to do.

He’s had thoughts of revenge for days. He’s been thinking about nothing but his situation for an eternity. He’s been fighting in a doomed war. It had felt like thinking was all he can do. He’s had doubts, most of them related to his new status, most of them as vicious as the newborn cobras.

Yesterday was a breakthrough, in more ways than one.

It is a very small step. But it is something that counts in the end. Knitting needles will serve as a fuck you to Jared. The simple act of buying them will feel like the start of a successful rebellion. It will give everything finality thus marking a new phase in Jensen’s plan.

He takes his time in the shower. Stands below the running water, washes Jared’s repugnant smell from his skin. This feels like a ritual now. And for the first time in a while Jensen actively participates.

The change is clearly visible like this. His belly is slightly curved, not big enough to be noticeable, no stretch mark to mar the skin there, not yet. And Jensen now knows that there will not be any stretch marks to blemish him, not ever.

He lets his fingers do all the work, touches each and every square inch of the exposed skin with something resembling wonder. There was a time, when he was proud of his body. There was a time when he wasn’t ashamed of the things it could do. Now, he tries to summon the same emotion, but it’s hard, incredibly hard. Then, things were different, very different.

His body is unmistakably omega now. His shoulders are still broad, his muscles are still there, but his scent is all wrong. His nipples are fuller and his hips are wider. He sighs with barely concealed frustration, still unsure of how to take in this new version. This body feels foreign to him, feels defective. Like a diminished version of his former self.

It makes him sad. But he keeps his eyes open, doesn’t retreat in the sanctuary of his thoughts.

 

“We need to talk,” Jared says.

One look at him is enough to convince Jensen of the seriousness of the situation. Jared’s posture is set. His stance is firm, his shoulders straight, his eyes cold. His mouth is a stern line in a face that could have been carved in stone. The worry lines that were there so recently have all but vanished .There is no concern in his eyes, nothing but hard orders.

Everything about him screams Alpha. It’s as if his whole attitude has been changed overnight, as if the mask has been slipped off to reveal his true identity. The mask was there for Jensen’s benefit, the illusion was there for mere decoration, and in these moments Jensen gets reminded of that fact again.

Jensen stands uncertainly. The tune he was humming momentarily forgotten in the face of this recent development.

“Yes, Alpha,” he replies dutifully. Hating the way those words feel on his tongue- poisonous.

Alpha. That is what Jared really is. He’s the Alpha, the rightful owner.

Jensen can’t help but have flashbacks, can’t help but go back to that first night, can’t help but feel the threat of violence. The fear that rises in him is blind, it isn’t his own, belongs to an animal. His lungs constrict in themselves, and suddenly his skin feels too small, too restrictive. He feels trapped inside.

It’s a miracle that he doesn’t let any of that show on his face. Not even a single bit. Instead he trains his eyes on Jared, keeps breathing steadily while waiting for the next words.

Jared’s eyes narrow in suspicion. Jensen notices and hastily speaks the first words that come into his mind.

“I’m sorry."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't had time to reply to all the comments, but, I read them and I love each and every one of them.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm done with posting my bigbang story, so you can expect frequent updates from now on.

“I’m sorry,” Jensen says, almost whispers and waits. 

“Did I give you the permission to speak?” Jared sneers at him. 

Jensen can’t back down now. He can’t afford to make a mistake at this stage. Truth to be told, he can never afford to make a mistake again. A single misstep and he will be done. One wrong turn and he will be back to square one. 

The rules of the game are different now, inexplicably changed. Apparently Jensen isn’t allowed to speak his mind. That means Jared thinks something is amiss. That means Jensen did something to trigger this reaction from Jared. 

_Jared is suspicious. Oh god, Jensen hasn’t done anything yet and Jared is already suspicious. Seems like Jensen really screwed-up this time .Where did he go wrong, where?_

_Does Jared know about the needles? No, he can’t know about it that should not be possible. Not yet, not now, not until Jensen is ready. Not unless parasites are dead. Jensen has to get back in Jared’s good graces-no matter the cost-he has to do it._  

Jared stands there, still as a statue, silently observing Jensen’s every move as if he is contemplating something. There is a cold-efficiency in him, something that wasn’t there before and it makes Jensen afraid, very afraid. The possibility of detection has always been on Jensen’s mind, but, he hadn’t anticipated how deeply he would be affected by it. 

He thinks that Jared is only trying to reassert himself, trying to reestablish a claim. But he can’t make himself believe in that. Not when he’s confronted by an angry Jared. 

Not Jared. Alpha. Jensen’s alpha. 

Jared has never looked more alpha-like in his entire life. And Jensen is very much affected, very much shaken. 

Jared is a black-hole, the one that absorbs everything in its path, and Jensen is the unfortunate guy who just passed the event horizon. Jared is a force of nature, vindictive and punishing, wreaking havoc in his wake. 

The very air between them is saturated with pheromones. Jared’s scent is potent, potent enough to drown every other smell, all-encompassing and suffocating. Displeasure and anger rolls off him in equal measures. Jensen can feel these emotions better than he can feel his own, can feel how angry Jared is, can feel the power of it. 

He can feel them on his skin, can feel the fear in his chest, rising. Jensen’s alpha is angry with him. And it makes him feel small, feel wrong. 

It’s not easy to maintain his equilibrium. Not when his entire body tightens up with the anticipation, not when he fully expects the pain of the impending blow. Not when his body, his mind, recognizes Jared as his alpha. 

Not when the omega in him wants to submit to this alpha. Jared has never been more attractive. 

The stray pheromones play with Jensen’s mind, making him automatically react. Fear and anger, lust and shame, he doesn’t really know what he is feeling at the moment. He hates Jared with all his being, but he wants Jared too. He wants to drop to his knees, wants to display his belly and surrender at this very moment. He wants to beg Jared for his very life. Wants to appease Jared with his submission, can’t take this anger anymore. 

No, he tells himself, again and again, in the privacy of his mind. No. He doesn’t want it, he would never want Jared, not ever. It’s just hormones, just pheromones, playing with his mind, compelling him to feel these abhorrent things. This is just biology. Jensen has to believe that. 

His entire agency seems compromised. 

As the seconds turn into minutes, Jensen starts sweating. Jared doesn’t speak, just keeps looking at Jensen with an intensity that is designed to burn him. His eyes never waver from Jensen’s face, fixing him with an intense stare. Jensen feels sick, feels judged. But he doesn’t lower his eyes. 

He won’t fall at Jared’s feet and beg. Not on his own volition. He’s not so far gone, not yet. He won’t. 

Then, after an eternity, Jared opens his lips to command him. And Jensen gets reminded of the power Jared has over him, all over again. 

“You need to be taught a lesson,” Jared’s lips turn upward in a smile, a smile that makes his features distorted, a smile that makes him look ugly. 

“Get on your knees.” His voice is harsh, guttural. It’s the same tone he used on Jensen on that first night. The words ring with the same cruelty. 

_Get on your knees bitch. You are my bitch, my beautiful bitch. Aren’t you Jenny? Aren’t you?_

_He can do this. He can do this. He can do this._  

Before the order ends, Jensen’s knees hit ground, and he doesn’t wince when the hard carpet digs at him. He doesn’t even think about protesting. Part of it is survival strategy; part of it is something else. He stays there, waiting for the next command, waiting for the next order. 

_Remember what is at stake here. He can do this._

“I should have done this a long time ago.” Jared says, fingers massaging Jensen’s scalp. His fingernails dig in a little, making Jensen hiss in reaction. 

“You are so pretty like this, you know. Do you know how much I’ve wanted you like this? Do you know how many times” fingers tracing the curve of his mouth, forcefully parting his lips,”I have fantsiszed this? " then adds the insult with measured cruelty, in a  mocking tone “Bitch,” 

_Not Jensen, he is not Jensen. He’s Jenny. He’s omega. He’s Jared’s bitch. That’s all he will ever be, that’s all Jared wants him to be._

_He can do this. He can do this. He can do this._

“Open up. Put your cock-sucking lips to good use,” Jared says again and Jensen surrenders. 

This is the worst thing that has been done to him, Jensen thinks as he opens his mouth with a willingness that is strangely familiar. There is no purpose behind this act, no real necessity-nothing but the will to degrade Jensen more. There is no reason for Jared to act like this, not when Jared has taken everything from Jensen, not when Jensen is utterly at his mercy. 

This is Jared-being cruel for the sake of it. This is Jared-using Jensen just because he can. 

Jensen pushes away those thought from his mind, lets his fingers do the work. He opens the zipper and palms at Jared’s cock, touches it with infinite care. He does something that he hasn’t done before. He lets himself go, lets the omega part of his brain take over.

He knows he has to be careful, really careful. But he has no other option. Somehow, somewhere he messed up and Jared got suspicious. Now, Jared is angry at him, and there is only one way to make him listen.

Jensen has to prove his worth. He has to show that he could be a good omega. He has to show that he is absolutely committed beyond any doubt.

It's extremely difficult to mask his scent. His scent, the smell of freshly spun sugar, is very easy to determine. One sniff at the air and anyone would be able to tell that he is an omega.

But it's relatively easier to mask his emotions. He has some control over that, has worked hard to project a neutral aura around him, by keeping his mind relatively calm. So that all Jared gets from him are normal emotions. Now, he has to show Jared how he really feels. Now, he has to let his omega do the projecting. To make it convincing he has to become that mindless animal.

Jensen has to become that animal, that omega, that bitch-and for that he has to allow himself go. He has to let the omega lead, he has to make Jared believe. 

He just hopes that he can come back from this, hopes that he can still find the strength in him to fight.

This is necessary. He reminds himself before letting his omega take over. 

_He can do this._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know your thoughts.


	22. Chapter 22

The taste of Jared fills Jensen’s mouth, surrounds him like water surrounding a drowning man. There is no place to hide, no safe harbor to retreat. Jared is very much there, and Jensen is left without any alternative but to obey. 

This is more intimate than anything that has happened before. Jared isn’t asking for permission, instead uses Jensen’s mouth without restraint. His cock is a huge weight on Jensen’s tongue. His hands form a tight grip on Jensen’s shoulders. His eyes bore into Jensen’s very soul, searching for something in the hidden depths. Jensen doesn’t know what he finds there, but hopes that whatever he sees is enough. 

Jensen’s back aches with the pressure, his eyes fill with unshed tears. He struggles with himself, unable to fight back, utterly helpless. A delicate butterfly pinned under a wheel. 

 _Touch, taste, smell, sight, sound- all of his senses are engaged, focused on Jared. Jared dominates._

This is so much worse. This is so much worse than what Jensen has faced before. 

The tight control that Jensen maintains at all times slips, and he doesn’t try to correct his mistake. He can’t take this anymore. The thought of enduring this torture for extended periods of time only makes him sicker. He’ll probably go mad and bite down, and he can’t afford to do that. 

Jensen feels the animal inside his skull, curled in the distant corners of his mind, slowly waking up. The omega in him likes the prospect of this, likes the possibility of having a say in the major decisions. Above all it wants to submit to this alpha, wants to allay Jared’s anger, wants the joy of obeying this alpha. 

Jensen wonders how such a mindless animal can survive in this world. The idea of being that animal is unthinkable to him, the thought of forgiving Jared is impossible to him. 

Jensen would choose death over that fate. 

He’d rather die, than being used like this. He’d rather choose the horror of breeding centers. 

This is so much worse, because this is Jared. 

This is Jared. This is Jensen’s best friend. This is Jensen’s brother, his family. This is not a faceless stranger taking his pleasure. This is Jared showing Jensen his place. And that hurts more than anything. 

Jensen would have died for Jared. He would have died with a smile on his face. He would have given up anything to assure Jared’s happiness. All Jared had to do was to ask, and Jensen would have given his very soul to him. 

But Jensen wouldn’t have given up his identity. He wouldn’t have sacrificed the thing that made him Jensen. Some boundaries were never meant to be crossed. And Jared had crossed every single one of them. 

The last trace of the affection dies. And Jensen feels the loss of it in his heart. His chest feels hollow, feels empty. There is no love left in him now, not for Jared and not for anyone else. All of the warm memories burn in the harsh fire of betrayal. Jensen burns with them until nothing but the very core of him remains.

It hurts. Like, Jensen has lost a part of himself. Like, Jensen has lost something that was once precious to him. It hurts more than the change had hurt feels like a hole has been ripped into his very heart.

He burns until only ashes remain, colorless and dull. Grey dust occupies the green fields, black shadows settle over the hard planes.

Jensen feels the omega in him, responding and taking over.

That is when Jensen lets himself go. There is no exact moment when he becomes more of an observer in his own skin; there is no real indication to show the shift that happens inside him. But, it happens.

It’s a gradual process. Slowly, Jensen starts feeling these emotions inside him, starts feeling good. The repulsion is replaced by joy, the fear is replaced by calmness, and the anger is replaced by acceptance. The pain isn’t very bad, merely a discomfort.

He is doing what he was supposed to do. He is on his knees for his mate. He’s bringing pleasure to his alpha. He’s fulfilling his role.

No, it’s not him; it’s the omega that is ecstatic. He can still make that distinction, although he doesn't know how long he will be able to distinguish.

He floats in between, living the nightmare, taking in the proceedings with a muted relief.

  

  

To say that Jared was pleasantly surprised by the turn of the events would have be an understatement.

Honestly speaking, he wasn’t planning to go all-alpha on Jensen, not literally. He wanted to have a talk with Jensen, wanted it to be a civilized discussion between mates. But then, Jensen had apologized, as if he was hiding something, as if he were guilty of something. He had apologized and Jared had felt his emotions, had tasted the slimy sweetness of deception laced in with those words. 

Jensen was scared of him. He was also lying to him. He was lying to Jared, to his alpha when there was no reason to justify that lie. There was something that wasn’t really adding up, something that was muddling the waters.

Jared had recalled the perfect smile and the perfect sex and wondered about Jensen’s intentions. Had he played Jared for a fool? Was Jensen intentionally playing him, was he seeing someone behind Jared’s back? Was he planning something? 

_Was Jensen being unfaithful to him? What other reason could be there?_

The anger had flared inside him at the mere the thought of it and he hadn’t tried to mask that anger. He wanted Jensen to notice that, wanted to notice Jared’s displeasure.

It wasn’t like Jared suspected Jensen without reason. It was Jensen’s nature, which was under inspection. As Jensen’s alpha, Jared was responsible for him. It was within his rights.  

Jensen’s scent was clear. There was no taint in there, as sweet and as fertile as ever. There was no sign of another alpha, not in Jared’s house, or not on Jensen’s skin. Yet, there was something that wasn’t right, something that was clearly amiss. 

Jared had to know. There was no other way. 

His first instinct was to discipline Jensen but he had discounted that after thinking for a while. He didn’t want to beat his omega like some knothead alpha; he was too sophisticated for that. He wasn’t going to beat his pregnant mate, not even if the said mate deserved it. 

He wasn’t really thinking much when he told Jensen to get on his knees. He was hurting, and he wanted to hurt Jensen in turn, wanted to teach him a lesson. He wasn’t anticipating the power that coursed through his veins like a drug, not even when Jensen had started obeying without question. 

It was good, so so good. Better, better than that first night. Jensen was so pretty, his lips cherry red around Jared, his eyes fluttering green. His attention focused on Jared, and nothing else existed at that moment. It was like his ultimate dreams had came true. 

Then Jensen had opened up, truly for this time. He had opened up and let Jared inside, so much that Jared was feeling everything. There was no deception now. Everything was out in the open. Every emotion projected for Jared, in the form of pheromones, and surely there was no way to fake that. It was all the proof he needed.

 

Jared spills inside Jensen's mouth, marking and claiming his omega once again, and it is perfect. He has no doubts now, none at all.  


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am quite happy with this update. I've always had a clear idea of how I wanted to conclude this story, but it was nothing concrete. Today I sat down and wrote the last part, and now I know how the story is going to end.(No, this is not the final part, I'm just oversharing.)
> 
> Of course, now I have to write the parts that come in between and there is still so much work to do, but it still feels good, regardless. And as always, thanks for all the kudos and comments.

Jared sighs in satisfaction, wears a dreamy smile on his face. 

It takes a while before the haze of sex clears. The latest orgasm has mellowed him out, leaving him loose and relaxed enough to enjoy the afterglow. His limbs are thrumming with the left over energy, yet, there is no immediate urgency in him. The mad rush has left his veins, something resembling laziness has occupied the places left behind. 

The need to own and claim, the need to possess, the need to assert his power over other, the need to have his mate by his side- each one of these needs are sated – for now. The anger isn’t coloring his vision, isn’t dictating his actions. The desire is still there, will always be there, but now, it is more of a low key sensation - not a wildfire just a warm flame. 

 _Jensen is the drug that soothes Jared’s mind. Jensen is the catalyst; he is the reason for everything._  

Jensen is still on his knees, obedience written in every line of his body, silent and waiting, waiting for Jared with patience. His mouth feels like heaven, warm and welcoming around Jared’s cock. He feels so good so much that Jared starts to harden again. With great reluctance he pulls out, dragging the process as much as possible.

Jensen looks fucked out, looks used up. His lips are parted, his cheeks flushed, his eyes closed. Stray streaks of come decorates his features, marks him as Jared’s. His body and his mind are finally in synch now, and that shows. 

The connection between them has been forced open, the edges of it intruding Jared’s senses with delicate touches. Jensen’s mind, once inaccessible and alien, is familiar now, is easily approachable. Jensen’s eyes are closed, but Jared knows what he is feeling, knows what Jensen isn’t telling, what Jensen needs. 

It’s all laid out in the open, and Jensen did that for Jared, only for Jared. 

Jensen is clean and Jensen is his. What is more, Jensen is showing him, showing Jared how much he needs this, how much he wants Jared. There is no deception in him, nothing but the desire to obey Jared. There is no trace of resentment in him, nothing but the gratitude and the love. 

Love for Jared and love for their children. 

Something inside Jared breaks, and he bends down, moves his hand, thumbs at Jensen’s lower lip, pads of his fingers working to sooth the pain caused earlier. Jensen’s breathe hitches in his throat, and Jared catches a stray drop of moisture that falls on the flushed pink of his cheek. He traces his way up, and stops only when he meets the source of those tears. 

“Open your eyes” adds a beat later “Jen,” 

Jensen deserves this kindness. No, Jared’s omega deserves this kindness after the events of the day. And Jared is not heartless, he can be kind when need arises. He’s generous and there is no need to deny Jensen. 

Jensen obeys, instantly.

Jared stares. 

Jensen’s eyes shine with an unknown light, a mysterious golden band circles the dark-green pupils. The green is still there, but it’s almost eclipsed by the ring of the surrounding gold. Jared stares at him, not understanding this change, but captured by the sight of it, captured by the light that seems to originate in those eyes.

Jared stares with something like wonder and tries hard to understand what he is seeing. Those rings weren’t there yesterday, they weren’t there even this morning and now, they are there, inexplicably so. He struggles to find an explanation that fits the facts, but, fails to recall any information that could help him.

Jensen gaze is unfocused, and he closes his eyes before Jared could object. When he opens them again, his eyes are normal, devoid of the golden hue that was there a moment ago.

It could have been a trick of light; it would be foolish to think otherwise.

That idea eases something inside Jared’s chest, and allows him to breathe normally.

Jensen’s gaze is soft, focused and when he speaks his voice is low enough that Jared has to struggle to hear him.

“I’m tired,” Jensen says, as a puzzling expression crosses his face. 

Jared can feel how tired to the core he is, how all his boundaries are erased, how broken open he is, and it tugs at him. Jensen is so helpless, so at Jared’s mercy. This time, the thought invokes a deeper emotion in him. It’s not the urge to possess that rules him, instead it’s the urge to protect that takes a front seat in his mind.

_Jensen is already his. In body and in mind. He belongs to Jared, completely. Now Jared has to take care of him. Jared has to take care of his omega and his kids._

“Come here,” He says and sinks to his knees, takes Jensen in his arms, almost hugs him. Feels the slight shiver that runs through tense muscles and soothes him like a mother soothes her child. Jensen used to do this for him, when they were young, or when Jared was scared of something. Jared recalls the memory and recreates the scene from their childhood, and it feels so good to have Jensen like this, in his arms, crying, trusting.

Jensen’s breathe is hot against Jared’s throat, each inhale and exhale distinct enough to memorize. His eyelashes flutter on Jared’s skin, teasing him with their movements. His mouth opens along Jared’s pulse, murmuring words that are too low to make out. 

When Jared manages to hear them, he feels all of three feet tall. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” That’s all Jensen is saying, repeating words like one of those old fashioned gramophones stuck in a loop. Jared can’t meet his eyes, not now, not when Jensen is breaking in his arms like this, not when Jared suspected his innocent mate without enough reason. 

But he can’t apologize, not really. He was within his rights, and just because he was wrong doesn’t mean that he has to apologize. So he keeps quiet and waits until the litany of the words stop. It doesn’t take much time. 

“Its okay, Jensen,” He tells, tone colored with some of the guilt he feels inside. He isn’t accustomed to feel that emotion and it takes him by surprise. Most of this is the alpha in him, reacting on instinct. Jared had never felt his animal like this, had never felt the rush of these unnamable feelings, and it frightens him a little.

That night, Jared makes amends. He touches Jensen with extra care, makes promises that he intends to keep. Jensen is lonely here and Jared can't possibly quit his job to stay with Jensen. Jensen needs some kind of support, they need some support, friends, perhaps, because both of them are new to this. They are going to have kids and they really don't know how to handle everything.

He forgets how much of it is Jensen's idea, but he agrees to everything. It all sounds reasonable to him. He makes love to Jensen, in their bed, looking into Jensen's eyes, almost drowning into the depths of them. They stay dark-green, no taint in them, no deception. He falls asleep with a smile, content.

He doesn't see the gold that creeps in Jensen's eyes, he is already lost in his dreams to notice that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To anyone who is freaking out, no, nothing has really changed. I have no intention of changing this to another non-con turned into epic-love story (nothing against them, but this is not that kind of story),so you should be alright as long as you believe in me:)


	24. Chapter 24

_Jensen is stuck in limbo._

He is sleeping.

He is dreaming.

He is wide awake.

He is laughing. He is crying. He is talking to Jared in the quiet of the night.

He’s walking. His body moves on its own accord, sure and sinuous and Jensen can see that he has zero control now.

Now Jared is talking to him. Now Jared is touching him.

Jared is kissing him.

He can taste the salt in Jared’s tears as he pushes inside Jensen.

He is feeling everything that is happening to him.

He is feeling nothing. There is a thin curtain separating him from the rest of the world.

All the information he gets is secondhand, censored-useless and impersonal.

He’s a prisoner in his own mind.

Someone else is in driver’s seat. Someone else is handing the controls, and they are not sharing the privilege with him.

Not someone, something.

That something is happy, Jensen is not.

_Jensen is stuck in limbo._

  

Jensen is dreaming.

He dreams of Jared. He dreams of their children. He dreams of little babies.

It feels like a dream, so he thinks it must be a dream.

This dream is different.

This dream is full of laughter, full of happiness.

He is sitting on his bed (on their bed, a fond voice supplies). He has a bundle in his hands, and somehow he knows that what is inside that bundle, knows what this means to him.

There are three of them. They are his, Jensen’s children.

Jensen can’t really make out the details yet, but he can feel the small bodies around him. He touches each one with exquisite care, because they are precious.

Boy or girl, alpha or beta, it won’t matter to him. Not really. Jensen will love them regardless.

The cubs have not opened their eyes yet. Jensen can’t wait to see the color of their eyes, can’t wait to feel the smooth texture of baby skin beneath his fingertips. He wants to hear their cries, wants to listen to the rhythm of heartbeats, needs to know that his cubs are safe and sound.

Little feet and little hands, Jensen can practically hear the tap of those feet on the marble floor.

_Something is not right with this scenario. Jensen crushes that thought before it rises to the surface._

This dream is impossibly beautiful, seductive.

Jared is there, eyes filled with tenderness, smiling, watching Jensen. Jensen’s heart swells with love at the sight of him.

This is how it is supposed to be, he thinks as he smiles at Jared. Jared and cubs, they are everything.

This is what he wanted; this is what makes him happy.

That insistent voice doesn’t go away, and he sighs in irritation.

It occurs to him all of a sudden, as he is looking at his cubs, as he is savoring this moment of domestic bliss.

_His cubs, no, that is not the correct terminology, now, is it?_

That is not how he calls them, that is not how he remembers them.

They are not his children, are they? They are something else; there is another word for them, a word that is etched into Jensen’s very core.

A word, Jensen can’t forget, not even in his dreams.  

And the glasshouse crumbles as Jensen recalls that word, as he understands what they are.

_Parasites. Not cubs, not children, not something he wanted._

_Jared, kids, happiness, it’s all fake, a joke._

_This dream doesn’t belong to him. It’s the omega that is dreaming._

_Jensen made a promise to himself, didn’t he? He’s got to come back; he’s got to make sure of that._

_He’s got to fight, got to take back what is his, even if it kills him. He can’t live like this._

_He won’t live like this._

Now, the scene changes, inexplicably so.

He’s stranded somewhere, lost in someplace. The sun is hot on his skin; the wind is rough and crumbs of sand gets into his eyes. The vast wasteland seethes with the heat, and Jensen struggles to find shelter.

He fails to find any. The desert is cruel, merciless. There is no other option. It won’t offer any kind of sanctuary to him. Jensen is going to burn here.

He’s going to burn here, in the midst of all these golden sand.

Somehow, this feels right. His eyes dry up, his skin cracks, his throat burns.

Yet, this feels right, feels like purification.

The golden sand envelopes him, and he surrenders without resistance.

 

Jensen wakes up to the aroma of freshly ground coffee.

“Here,” Jared’s already there carrying the coffee mug in his hands. The novelty of this gesture is not lost on Jensen.

“You can have it. One cup won’t hurt our kids,” Jared assures him.

_Oh I know that. The sarcastic voice inside Jensen’s head chirps._

“Thanks,” Jensen says and takes a sip. The sharp, almost bitter taste of caffeine works wonders on him.

The coffee is perfectly made, just like how Jensen prefers it. He indulges a little when he has the chance, savors each and every drop of the hot liquid.

“Jen,” Jared says.

“Yes,”

“Are we okay Jensen?” Jared’s voice falters a little as if he is hesitating, as if even asking this question is costing him.

This is Jared-apologizing, asking for forgiveness. This is Jared-being good, being kind.

This is Jared-bribing Jensen with favors.

Jensen is just so done with him. He is past the point of caring. It doesn’t even hurt anymore.

It will serve no purpose- this discussion; this drama will only waste some more time. Jared will hear what he wants to hear, he will push for more when he needs more, then, he’ll come back with false apologies. It’s better it Jensen pretends that nothing happened yesterday.

In truth, he can’t really remember the events of the previous day. Today he feels like himself. Feels free, in a way, like some of the chains are breaking even as he speaks.

“Can we go to doctor today?” He interjects, changing the subject tactfully.

Jared looks at him with curiosity and then shrugs,

“We will. Are you feeling alright?”

There it is, again, the guilt.

“Yeah, I am.” Jensen answers truthfully. 

  

The ride to hospital is spent in silence, both of them lost in their own thoughts.

“They have got good service here. And I have a lot to catch up at work, don’t really have time today.” Jared leans in, presses his lips to Jensen’s dry ones, the gesture tender and possessive at the same time.

“And Jensen, it’s safe here, you know that, right? I made your appointment. No one will mess with you. And I….,” Jared swallows audibly, “I trust you,”

Jensen doesn’t get the significance of that phrase. But he nods his head, regardless.

Another doctor, another inspection-Jensen is not looking forward to this. But, he’s got plans for today.

He will be doing some shopping after this appointment. The credit card -Jared’s card, he reminds himself- is sitting in his pocket. And it’s best to buy things when Jared is not there, monitoring his every move like a hawk watching it's prey.

 Jensen sits in the reception area, patiently waiting for his turn. He's still got time, and he reads some news papers to pass time. To get acquainted with outside world once again. To get reminded of the fact that the world is moving on, even when he has mostly been absent.

He idly checks the time again, takes out the card to read the name written on it. Misha Collins, that is the name, printed on the card, written in small black letters.

It's a strange name. Although, Jared seems to trust this guy, enough to leave Jensen here, unguarded.

Jensen hopes that this doctor will not be as bad as the last one.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 500 comments! Yay! I am frankly overwhelmed by the amount of response for this story and I can't thank you enough for all the lovely feedback. Thank you and hope you like this update:-)

They don’t call him by his name. Not the one he had before, or not the one he has now. Instead they use a number, to identify him, to address him. A number that starts with a letter (O, yes it has to be O) and ends with a string of alphanumeric characters.

Jensen gets up without delay, follows the nurse closely, his steps perfect and obedient. He hesitates for a moment when the nurse shows him the door, then pushes the slightly closed door and walks in. 

Jensen walks in, takes in the chairs and the long examination table, a slight fear curling at the bottom of his guts as the images of himself lying strapped in and helpless cloud his mind. Last doctor, was kind, but the things he did to Jensen weren’t. They were painful and humiliating. And Jensen really wouldn’t like to go through the same again. 

A man sits on the desk, body relaxed and legs swinging, almost careless. Jensen inhales his scent before he has an opportunity to have a proper look. 

Alpha. Raw power restrained and contained for the moment, but, unmistakably alpha. 

This must be the doctor, he assumes, and the doctor is an alpha. 

Which isn’t unusual per se, but for some reason Jensen was expecting a beta. The first doctor who examined him was a beta, and it had made sense back then considering that Jensen was a newly made omega. An alpha could be extremely territorial, especially in the first few days of the bond formation. 

And now, Jared hasn’t given Jensen much reason to believe in the opposite. In light of recent developments this does not make sense. Jared leaving him with an alpha, under whatever circumstances seems rather peculiar. 

Jensen takes a deep breath, notes the absence of any other staff in this room. He knows omegas aren’t employed for such jobs, too stupid and useless because of their baser urges, but a beta nurse would have been nice. A beta nurse, male or female, would have made this appointment more tolerable. 

 _You can do this. Jensen thinks. How is he going to survive if every alpha makes him this nervous? He is made of sterner material that this, which is what he, believes even if it isn’t true._

“You must be my 11 O’clock” The doctor’s words interrupt the train of his thoughts, forcing him to look at the man. 

“Yes,” Jensen confirms meekly. 

The doctor can’t be much older than Jensen. His eyes are warm, welcoming even. Jensen makes eye-contact, maintains it, until a slow smile crosses doctor’s face. 

 _Is he allowed to react? Is this guy going to report this back to Jared? That could be the case._  

“Jensen Padalecki, omega, mated, 29. Right?” 

The words hit him with more force than they should, surprising him of their power even after all these days. They carry a wrong smell, the texture of them so wrong on his ears, everything just plain wrong. His name isn’t Padalecki, that can’t be true because it means that the Ackles are dead, truly and finally. It means Jensen belongs to someone else, not by choice but by force. He can’t be an omega; he never wanted to be one. And mated, Jesus, he’s mated. 

The faint whisper of paper fills the air as doctors fingers go through the pages. He is reading Jensen’s file, and Jensen doesn’t even know what else is written there, what Jared had deemed fit to include in. There is a code assigned to every omega, an alphanumerical sequence that could very well be used in the place of a name. Jensen knows that it is written on that file, in red letters, so to be easily accessible. 

Jensen is weirdly grateful that doctor didn’t choose to use that code. 

At least they got his age right. He thinks. Solemn eyes or not, warm smiles or not, these words are loud enough to bring him back to the reality.

“Come on, sit down. You look like you need a minute.” 

Jensen occupies one of the vacant chairs, slightly leaning in the cushioned backrest and patiently waiting as the doctor moves behind his desk. The guy is so sure, so in control and why wouldn’t he? He’s the alpha here, someone with authority, sure of his place in the world. 

The sensation of loss easily turns to envy. It’s irrational and stupid, but Jensen can’t really control the ugly emotion that turns in his chest. 

“You can call me Misha,” The doctor says utterly unaware of the turmoil inside Jensen. 

Jensen stares at the offered hand. Stares for a full minute like an idiot. 

It takes an embarrassingly long time before he understands the meaning behind those words, before he gets the significance of this gesture. Slowly, reluctantly he makes contact, grips and shakes. Doctor’s grip is strong, and Jensen wills his trembling fingers and participates. 

“Call me Misha. I don’t do formalities” He insists again, when it seems like Jensen isn’t responding. 

Misha’s eyes are blue, and they are fixed on Jensen’s face, examining him as surely as his hands would do later. Jensen palm feel sweaty and warm, pleasantly buzzing from the earlier contact. Jesus. How long has it been since someone touched him without ulterior motives? How long has it been since he’s been given something resembling respect? 

He’s quick and he’s overreacting, he knows that, but he could always blame them on hormones. For all he knows, this handshake doesn’t mean anything. Maybe Misha is one of those people who’d like to treat omegas are glorified pets, maybe he’s just pretending to care. But even this simple handshake is something more than what Jensen anticipated. He’s been resigned to his fate, already accepted that he’ll be treated in a certain way and this contradicts all those assumptions. 

Omega or not, pregnant or not, fighting or not, Jensen is human. Sometimes, it feels good to be treated like one. 

The walls are painted in blue, the color pale and unobtrusive, made to sooth tense minds. Jensen allows himself to relax a little bit, choosing to go with the flow. He smiles at Misha, and while it is a small smile, it feels real on his lips. 

“Misha,” He says tentatively. The name curls on his tongue and makes a strange sound that is close to a whisper than anything else. 

“Thank god. You do speak.” Misha says again, but the words lack any heat. They feel more like good natured teasing. 

“I do,” Jensen chirps in. 

And just like that, the day is brighter. 

It doesn’t feel so bad after that. True, Jensen wouldn’t have liked to be at the receiving end of this kind of examination but Misha makes it better, makes it bearable. He’s all professional when he examines Jensen, lets Jensen know what he is planning to do and why, asks permission before touching. His hands are gentle on Jensen's skin, his fingers nimble and impersonal even while touching him intimately. After sometime it becomes relatively easy to ignore the blush that colors Jensen's cheeks.

He talks to Jensen, and even when Jensen doesn’t appreciate the situation, he can’t help but feel gratified at the attention he is receiving. Like this, Jensen gets to ask questions and while he still has to be careful (he can never trust anyone, he knows), it’s better this way.  

Jensen could have been friends with this guy, back when he still had his body intact. But now, that isn't a viable option.

"You should take better care of yourself, Jensen. You aren't in great shape. I'm sending your blood for testing today, and once the results are in we can decide on next course of action." Misha tells him, concern evident in his voice as he draws the red liquid out of Jensen's body.

And parasites are okay, it seems. Jensen listens to the heart-beats but he refuses to see what they look like. He knows what they look like, he has a clear image of them in his head and that is enough for him.

Heart-beats. They are alive and kicking. Seems like Jensen will have to do something to change that. As he figures out he still has one more month left before it becomes dangerous to try, and thanks to Misha he has much information now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Misha. Let me know what you think of him.


	26. Chapter 26

“You sure you don’t want to know? It won’t take much time,” Misha says and chuckles. ”ultrasound-it won’t hurt either,”

_Hurts, as if Jensen fears pain. As if Jensen even cares about that in any way, shape or form._

“My alpha, my alpha would be unhappy if he misses the moment,” Jensen stands up and offers, slightly apologetic. He doesn’t invoke the name here, the name of the guy who ruined him, who made him into this thing. Instead uses the general honorific.

He’ll surely introduce Jared to Misha. But there is no need to use Jared's name at the moment.

Jared. How could Jensen deny him the chance? Jared loves the kids so much, maybe more than he ever loved Jensen, and it wouldn’t be fair to Jared. No, Jensen wants Jared there.

Jensen wants Jared there, with him, by his side. He wants Jared to hold his hands, wants to mingle their fingers together before he watches the play of emotions in those cruel, hazel eyes and he isn’t going to miss that. He wants to see Jared’s reaction, wants to show Jared what he could have had, what he almost had, before destroying it.

He wants Jared to meet their children. He wants Jared to know them.

Jared already knows their scent. Now he will get to see them-not in the flesh, but onscreen. Jensen is generous; he’ll give this to Jared. This will act as a reference, a memory, a torment. A lesson.

So it has to be the next time. This time Jensen is not interested.

He can practically feel them, can close his eyes and see them in his mind’s eye. Tiny blob like creatures living inside him, changing him, consuming him, one inch at a time. They are stealing his life-essence, one breath at a time. He can feel how fragile they are, how clue-less of the fate that awaits them. The sweet anticipation fills him and makes him smile.

But there is something else, something that is horrified at the notion; something is practically screaming him to stop. It’s feeble and uncoordinated, yet, it dares to fight, dares to resist.

For a single, glorious instant he could see how good it could be, could see the soft, smiling faces, and could hear the rhythmic sound of laughter echoing in the empty hallways. This longing is new and it fades before he has a chance to completely understand it. The part that is not yet whole, the part that doesn’t belong, that part tries to fight back in the only way it knows how. And as always, it loses.

Jensen swallows audibly. And slowly becomes aware of the pressure on his wrist.

Misha’s fingers are clasped around Jensen, his thumb an imprint on the delicate skin at the juncture. It’s not painful, not like Jared's, won't leave any bruises, but it’s not comfortable either. Jensen doesn’t like the way his fingers close around and grip, not at all.

He doesn't like that Misha touched him without permission, especially considering their earlier interactions.

_What the hell? Misha is so close to him, Jensen can practically feel hot breath on his face. What has changed in the past few minutes? Why now?_

He meets the doctor’s gaze, expecting to see some explanation there, or something that clues him on the situation. He is greeted by a pair of blue eyes, eyes dark and pupils blown wide, intense. Jensen’s flesh crawls, as he thinks about the implications before he notices how pale Misha’s skin is, how startled his eyes are.

This is not what he is thinking. There is no lust in those eyes. Jensen didn’t miscalculate, didn’t trust the wrong guy. Didn't repeat the same mistake a second time.

“Misha” He tries, and the grip only tightens more.

Jensen winces. A pained whimper escapes his throat and somehow that sound is enough to break the spell.

“Your eyes,” Is all he says.

“My eyes. What is the matter?” Jensen asks.

For a second there, he was lost but there was nothing new in that. Sometimes, Jensen needs to go away and sort out his thoughts before they consume him. He couldn’t remember anything that might have resulted in this alarming behavior.

Misha’s, no the doctor’s –Jensen corrects himself- fingers are shaking a little. Nothing major, but vibrating nevertheless.

“Is something wrong with my eyes, with me?” Jensen tries again, feeling stupid and furious in equal measures. If this is a trick, it is a cheap one. He shakes his head and closes his eyes. When he opens them again, his vision is fine, his mind is clear and he cannot wait to get out of here.

_Needles, knitting needles. Jensen has to complete his shopping today._

“No, I guess, I just –I’m sorry. I thought I saw something. Clearly I was wrong,” Misha says slowly, yet, Jensen finds something in there, something a little off, out of context.

“Seriously, you can tell me, please” He implores.

“Let me check” Misha tells him, almost dismissing Jensen’s words on the fly. But his eyes never waver from Jensen’s face, and there is a new curiously in them, a new hunger that was absent before.

As if he is waiting for something to happen.

Jensen shudders, feels the slight chill of the ghostly fingers along the length of his spine, and recognizes the thrill that runs through his veins. He doesn’t know what this is, not really, but whatever it is it feels good.

This time, when he asks, his voice is sure, smooth, and the command in his words is implicit, inviolable.

“You’d tell me right? If there is something wrong with me, or with my kids, you’d tell me. Wouldn’t you Misha?” These words are his, but they are also not his.

The voice, the words, the thoughts- all belong to Jensen. The tone, the smooth authority, the implied threat- they are not Jensen. Or they are Jensen, but not really.

An omega ordering an alpha is unheard of, inconceivable. Yet, Jensen does it, without thinking, as if it is second nature to him, as if he does this every other day.

Misha's grip loosens, and Jensen takes his hand back, but he doesn't step back. This sudden proximity should make him nauseous, but it feels like a challenge. A battle of wills.

"You are something else," Misha murmurs and takes a step back, creating the essential space between them. Jensen's lips twist in a grin even as the restless thing inside him sighs in satisfaction. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I'm saying this. But yeah, here we go.  
> This is a work of fiction. As an author, I always try to write what *I* want to read and if something in the story disturbs you or if you don't like the story, I'd suggest you to skip the story. I love discussions, I'm open to constructive criticism but unsolicited negative feedback is not appreciated.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it just me or is Jensen scaring anyone else?

Jensen stares at the empty space between them and feels the smug smile on his face.

It’s not a sign of submission, yet, it is unmistakably a sign of deference. This alpha is stepping back, and while he hasn’t shown his belly, while he hasn’t accepted Jensen as his equal or more, this gesture itself is a welcoming distraction.

It’s not what he had expected, and if he didn’t know better he’d think Misha was afraid of him.

_Afraid of Jensen, now that is a ridiculous thought._

Jensen chuckles mirthlessly. Keeps his gaze on Misha, watches him with strange, intense eyes.

“You won’t lie to me, right?” He presses again in a voice that doesn’t belong to him.

“You shouldn’t be here, not without your Alpha,” Is what Misha tells him.

“That didn’t stop you earlier – didn’t stop you from carrying on with your tests, you know” adds in with a cool, casual shrug “while you were poking my insides with your equipment’s and all that,”

Misha flinches at the bluntness of it-Jensen approves.

“All I’m saying is that you should go to home now and should rest for a while. I’ll be in touch with your alpha. I’ll let you know when the results are in,”

“You didn’t answer my question,” Jensen cuts in, as insistent as a dog with a bone.

Misha’s eyes flicker for a moment and Jensen can see indecision in them, something that has no business being there.

“Yes. I will be truthful with you,” Misha says, at last.

Jensen takes the scattered pamphlets, carefully places Misha’s card inside his pocket. Opens the door and gets out without another word. 

 

Jensen stands before the shelves of the local supermarket and looks around with practiced disinterest.

He has a list with him. He shouldn’t hesitate, must avoid drawing unwanted attention, and must act normal even if this isn’t normal for him, not by a long shot.

No one is really watching him, sure there are a few furtive glances that could be interpreted either as disgust or pity but most people are ignoring him. No one is outright rude to him or anything like that; yet, Jensen feels that he isn’t wanted here.

The elderly shopkeeper hadn’t met his eyes, had recited in a monotone when Jensen asked for directions. The cabbie had refused to drive him after having a good look at him. Little things like that, small discrepancies that painted an ugly picture when taken together.

It’s nothing personal. He tells that to himself. These people are not cruel to him, they aren’t mocking him or harassing him, they are merely ignoring him. It’s more than what he had hoped for. He’s walking the streets in the broad daylight, and he is alone- unaccompanied by his alpha. Back in his city the idea itself was absurd, unthinkable. A few side-eyed looks are the least of his problems.

He opens the folded piece of paper and looks at the contents. It was foolish of him to write down these things, but he wanted to have something tangible with him, wanted this reminder in case he forgot. In case the omega took over.

He was skilled in his job, was good in finding patterns in the seemingly unrelated strings of information. Those skills, honed over a period of years had proven helpful this morning.

It wasn’t easy to guess Jared’s password, but it wasn’t that difficult either. Jensen had tried a few combinations before guessing the correct one.

It wasn’t Jensen’s name or his date of birth. It wasn’t even the name of the first orphanage or the first girl Jared kissed. It wasn’t anything obvious. Jared was too sophisticated for that.

Yet, Jensen was able to crack the code.

It was a date, which made sense given Jared’s affinity toward numbers (He was always good with numbers, Jensen recalls). But it wasn’t what Jensen was expecting; Jared still had a few surprises up his sleeve.

The password was a number, those digits represented a date, a date that had a very special meaning in Jensen’s life. Had, being the key word here. 

Jensen's girlfriend had chosen the date(Can't think of her, don't want to, not now, she is nothing, just a dot in the horizon) and Jensen, try as he might hadn't been able to forget the date. (How could he? No one forgets the day of their wedding- not even if said wedding never took place.)

As it turned out Jared hadn't forgotten either.

 

There is so much variety.

Jensen recalls all the methods from his memory and quickly tries to assess which one would be the best.

Not which one would be the safest, although he should be thinking about that detail.

Needles and coat-hangers are at the forefront of his mind, not only because they are most dramatic, but also for the promise of pain and violence they bring, it’s almost impossible to resist them.

Oh, he knows that it’s going to hurt him, can practically feel the droplets of blood on the innermost part of his thighs, but that is the part of the attraction. Because then he can be completely sure that it would hurt _them too_.

The more practical part of his psyche, the one that is not wired to the instant gratification, the one that is concerned with things like repercussions and possible infections holds him back, urges him to choose something more practical.

He can’t purchase many items, can’t really risk raising alarms. So knitting needles it is. Knitting needles and a few spices. Innocuous looking everyday items.

He circles the shelves and picks up items, tries to blend in.

Fruits and veggies-remembers Misha’s advice- he needs more nutrition to keep him healthy. Doesn't know if something is inherently wrong with his body or it’s just his mind that is all screwed up. But it’s important to keep in shape, and doctor’s words have given him a convenient excuse.

Spices, various herbal products, delicacies picked from different parts of the world. Can be difficult to explain these ones but he can think of a few ways to appease Jared.

Dried Henna Powder, raw papaya, parsley –Jensen mentally crosses out each item as he puts it in the shopping cart. Admittedly he can’t be sure that they would work on him, but personally he has no problem in trying.

Heck, he is thinking of sticking needles inside his body, trying herbal, non-invasive stuff is practically tame compared to that.

When he is done, he surveys the list again, counts the items before handling the credit card at the counter.

Jared's card and Jared's money. Jensen can't think of a better use for both of them.


	28. Chapter 28

The day is hectic. Jared’s hands are full; his desk is covered in things that need to be taken care of. On top of that one of his colleagues have called in sick at the last possible moment, and Jared is saddled with the extra work. He has no time to waste; there are deadlines to meet and clients to please.

Regardless, in between the hasty lunch-breaks and last-minute meetings he finds time to worry about Jensen.

It’s not that he distrusts Jensen. He’s already done that once, already punished his omega for imagined offences. He’s learned his lesson now. He _knows_ that his mate, his omega is incapable of any kind of deceit. Knows that Jensen will never be disloyal to him, knows it just like he knows the rhythm of his own heart.

Jensen’s loyalty is a fact of life, a natural law of the universe, proven beyond all reasonable doubts. Any claim suggesting otherwise would be laughable.

Hell, he can still remember how Jensen had felt in his arms, sweet and fragile, vulnerable for the taking. Devotion written in every line of his body, surrender carved in very bones. For a moment it was overwhelming to receive that kind of love, as if Jared was undeserving of all that attention. But then, Jared had accepted it as his due; claimed it with abandon, as surely as he had claimed Jensen’s body before.

Now, Jared fidgets in his chair, thinks about what Jensen must have been going through at this very moment.

It’s not that he questions Misha’s integrity or professionalism. Jared is nothing if not thorough. He’d asked around, researched carefully before choosing Misha. The guy was supposed to be some kind of miracle doctor- an omega specialist, which itself was a novel concept to Jared.

There was one little detail- insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but very relevant for the present situation. Misha was an alpha, an alpha interested in studying omegas, an alpha that chose something like this instead of a real career.

It would be easy to dismiss him without much thought and Jared would have done that if not for the guilt that drove him to seek medical advice from the best of the bunch. He wanted the best for his mate and kids. If the best this place could offer was an alpha doctor, then Jared wasn’t going to choose someone inferior.

Even if his instincts weren’t in complete agreement with this choice, Jared didn’t try to seek someone else.

It was unfortunate that he couldn’t be there with Jensen, at least not this time. But he would make sure not to miss any of the future sessions.

He intends to check with hospital, decides to have a chat with Misha in person. But that will have to wait.

The thought of Jensen with a stranger, with an alpha is impossible to stomach, despite the knowledge that there is no reason for Jared to get jealous. But then, Jared promised to be good, didn’t he? This is a test, but this test is not for Jensen, it’s for Jared. And Jared has every intention of passing this one.

Misha closes the door and weighs plausible course of actions.

The blood work will take time. At minimum, he will have to wait for a few days for the report. And there is always the possibility that they would turn up inconclusive. 

Even then, he feels this keen interest in him, feels the anticipation building with each minute.

The evidence he has is not tangible yet, not real in any sense of the word. His thoughts are based on raw instincts and mere theories. Yet, he can’t help but wait with baited breath. 

This is something new, something different. This has the potential to alter a lot of things. This can help them in their cause. No, he knows it will help them in their cause.

He picks up the phone to share the news. And he has to physically stop himself from dialing the number.

Patience is a virtue he doesn’t possess. He’s tempted to tell her about this omega with glowing eyes, tempted to share his findings with someone with the similar leanings. But then, he doesn’t like to gossip without truth backing up his claims, so he has to wait until the reports are done.

If there is something that bugs him, something that claws at him insistently, he has the luxury of avoiding it, at least for the moment. But that insistent whisper doesn’t go away, settles in his mind with the faithfulness of a lover.

He’s made a promise today. And somehow, he doesn’t think he can break it, not even if his very life depended on it. There are no witnesses and no legalities that are binding him, yet, he is obligated to follow through. 

 

Jared stands before the house and hesitates for a moment.

The sky is a dark graveyard, the stars all dead and gone. The trees are swaying in the soft wind, singing a tuneless song. His shadow is cast on the wall, a mockery of the real thing, exaggerated and distorted.

It’s late, Jensen should be home by this time, doesn’t mean that he is. What if he isn’t there, what if Jared was wrong, what if despite everything Jared miscalculated? (It won’t happen, doesn’t mean that Jared would stop speculating.)

Before he can follow that line of reasoning the door opens and Jensen is there, clad in a soft T and sweatpants, his face broadened in a smile. Welcoming- there is no other word for it. The joy on his face is naked and real, most real thing Jared has seen in the past few days. Jared stares without understanding.

Jensen’s feet are bare on the soft carpet and his plush lips are stretched in a grin. But it’s more than that. When he looks up, his gaze is soft and warm, unhurried. His eyes aren’t haunted now; instead there is a new shine in them, a new wave that curls and promises of unknown treasures.

“You are staring,”

Jared can’t help it, closes his arms around Jensen and feels the way their bodies align and fit. He plants a quick kiss on those pouting lips, licks at the very corner to gather a taste of his mate.

“Missed you,” He breathes the words with a quiet desperation.

Jensen sighs in response. Traces the curve of Jared's spine with fingers that are deft and sure, and then, when Jared is shivering with the impact, steps back.

“Come on, otherwise you’ll catch cold,” 

It takes a while before Jared notices the delicious smell, the aroma of something cooking, and his stomach growls in response.

"Wow, smells good," 

It's an understatement. Whatever Jensen is making smells amazing and Jared can’t wait to taste it.

"Nothing, just felt like preparing something special for today," Jensen says.

And his next words aren't what Jared expected.

"Remember that first time we tried this- all we had was some rice and beans and that old rusty cooktop, and were always hungry," 

Jared stutters, taken aback with the memories he tries to forget. He used to be hungry and there was never enough, at least not enough for two growing boys. But it’s all in the past now, isn’t it? They are in a better place now, aren’t they?

“Let’s eat,” He says lamely.

They do so in amiable silence. The food is delicious and company is enjoyable, and it all feels too good to be true.    


	29. Chapter 29

_You were always hungry._

Jared remembers those days, recalls images that belong to another era, and relives them for an instant as memories play behind his eyelids with a terrifying accuracy.

Never having enough to eat, never having enough clothes, and never having enough love.

Never having enough love. Not a mother, not a father. Not a family.

Not even a friend.

He was an unwanted kid, discarded on the streets like yesterday’s trash, utterly unloved. There was nothing that was his, nothing that belonged to him and solely to him.

And he was hungry. As a kid, that was all he remembered, Being hungry and wanting. Always searching for affection in all the unlikely places, desperate like a plant searching for water.

Hunger was a gnawing pain inside his tummy, a persistent ache that took residence in his guts. Hunger dominated his days and nights, made him shiver in cold winter nights and there was not enough food, there was never enough food, at least not until Jensen arrived in his life.

Then Jensen was there, and he made Jared forget about all the things that were wrong with him. Jensen smiled at him and played with him, showed him that they could be happy even if they didn’t have enough. Jensen was his and they belonged together, they were best of the friends, soulmates.

_You were always hungry._

It’s a casual remark. He’s sure Jensen didn’t mean anything by that. But the chill that runs through his spine at the recollection doesn’t lie.

It’s still true. Even now, even when he has everything he ever desired, he feels the truth in those words.

 _More give me more._ He thinks. Feels the ever-empty space inside him, feels the need in him.

Need, its need that dictates his actions. It’s more need and less want, something that is out of his control.

Hunger is an old, old friend leaving inside Jared’s skull. He was and is hungry.  

 

Jensen lies in the middle of the huge bed, limbs carelessly arranged in no detectable pattern, as naked as the day he was born.

The mattress is clean and soft, a comfortable shelter after a day of hard work. Jensen sinks and relaxes, enjoys the sensation that runs through him.

The scent of jasmine lingers in the air, faint but very much there. It effectively masks any other scent. Makes him forget things he doesn’t need to remember at the moment.

Thank god for small mercies.

The moon is a shining disc in the sky, as high and as untouchable as ever. The beams sneak in and illuminate the room in their wake. Jensen looks at the abstract lines that seem to define the shadowed outlines, stares.

“You are so beautiful,” Jared whispers, as if he is scared to break the illusion.

_Mine. You are all mine -is what Jensen hears._

He is so close to Jared, close enough to taste that all-encompassing, suffocating flavor of Jared’s obsession on his tongue without even trying.

When they are entwined like this, their bodies joined and in-synch, when it is impossible to say where one ends and other begins – he feels like he can understand Jared.

Jared’s eyes change color to reflect his mood. Sometimes they are green, sometimes they are blue. Sometimes they acquire a color that is in-between, neither this nor that, ever devious in their deception.

Now, they are almost green, pupils soft despite the surrounding darkness, utterly earnest in their persuasion.

“You are so beautiful. You don’t even know what you do to me,” Jared says. Slowly traces patterns on the exposed skin, tortures Jensen with carefully designed strokes.

Jensen murmurs something in response, something appropriate for the situation. Maybe it is just a sigh that escapes his lips; maybe it’s a satisfied moan. Maybe it’s an encouragement for Jared to continue.

Love and ownership, desperation and obsession, want and need– they are the two sides of the same coin. With Jared there is no middle-road, no difference between intent and outcome. I love you translating into I own you in an instant.

Jensen opens his lips ever so slightly to give access to Jared. There is a rhythm to this act, a sick formula that needs to be observed. Lifts his hips a little, spreads his thighs in invitation.

The path he chooses to walk is steep and narrow, and each step is potentially another landmine waiting to explode.

Tilts his head aside, willingly bares throat to let Jared lick and suck at his pulse point. Whimpers prettily when Jared does it just right, when the pleasure-pain hits.

It’s not all play-acting. That is why it is so difficult, that is why it is so scary. Jensen likes to think that he is in control, but reality says otherwise. Riding the edge and not falling into the chasm is almost impossible. Not feeling is not an option, for Jared wants active participation.

Sex used to be something else, something more. Now, it is more of a test, a challenge.

“Am I hurting you?” Jared asks.

In moments like this it’s almost too much to handle.

“No,” Jensen manages.

Jared’s eyes search his face for any sign of discomfort. His hands cradle Jensen in between them, intent on providing comfort and security.

“Love you,”

The worst part is this. Jared is so earnest now, bare before Jensen in every possible way. It would have been easier if Jared was fucking him, it would have been better if they never established this trust between them; it would have been easier if Jensen can’t feel any of this.

Unfortunately he has to be here, has to feel each and every touch, and has to respond to every unspoken word. And he does. He makes love to this man with abandon while ignoring the wrongness of it all.

_Blood and tears, that is how this started, remember this even if you forget everything else._

By this time it doesn’t even hurt anymore. Jared fits inside him, perfect, as if he has been made to fit inside Jensen. Of course, it could be the result of so many fucks, sheer brute force and natural adaptation. But the important thing is that it doesn’t hurt and Jensen has lost that anchor.

Then, thankfully it’s over. An intense flash of white pleasure coursing through overwrought nerves before the void overtakes.

 

Later, much later, they talk.

Jensen listens to the rumble of Jared’s heart, puts a warm hand on the source of the sound, and talks. What he speaks is essentially true, even if he left some of the details out of the story.

“You didn’t see them?” Jared asks.

“No. I wanted to, believe me, I wanted to but I needed you with me.” Emphasizes with soft, sweet kisses-adds authenticity to the mere words.

He smiles when he sees Jared’s expression. The desire, the yearning, the hunger, the hope all emotions swirl in those multi-hued eyes as he watches. Jensen smiles again.  

"Our kids," He murmurs before falling asleep.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay between the updates. RL has been busy as of late and as you guys know writing this story means I have to entertain a specific mindset. But don't worry, I don't plan to abandon this story:)
> 
> As always, comments/feedback is appreciated.

Jensen wakes up before the first of the sunrays hit the face of the earth.

It’s part necessity and part habit. His internal clock is precise enough so that he is capable of getting up at all the ungodly hours. It might be because of the change, or it might be because of his unwillingness to share anymore breathing space with Jared than strictly necessary. Whatever it is he is always the first to wake up.

Today, he resists the instinct that tells him to flee and wash, instead stays beside Jared.    

And does something he hasn’t done before.

He looks. Takes in the long limbs and spread thighs, notes the wavy hair draped across white pillows, looks as he has never looked before.

He knows how creepy it is, just to stare at Jared like that, under any circumstances. But he has to do it, because he isn’t going to get another chance, after this. In the wake of the last night, it’s easier to suppress the bile that rises in his throat at the mere sight of Jared; it is easier to play make-believe just for a few minutes.

Jared is sleeping. And he looks peaceful.

If Jensen is being honest, he can even see the beauty in there; can see how attractive Jared is. In the distant corners of his soul, he can see how it might have been, if it was a different world and if they were different people.  

Or that is just omega talking- because he sure as hell hadn’t found Jared attractive before. So, that point is mute anyway.

It’s understated though, and even now, it makes him uncomfortable. Jensen stares at him for a while, just long enough to memorize this moment just in case.

The sun isn’t out yet, and night has already retreated from the land. It’s that time of the day when sky is clear and ambiguous. Stars have been reduced to distant pinpoints leaving everything bathed in grey light.

This is the only time when Jared is Jared, when Jared is Jay and Jensen is Jen and everything is relatively okay.

This is the time for Jensen to say goodbye. And he intends to do that- wants to have some kind of closure, before he takes care of all the things that are wrong in his life.

He doesn’t owe it to Jared. He sure as hell doesn’t have to do this. But, he wants to.

Jensen wonders about Jared’s dreams. Jared used to have these terrible nightmares as a kid, and Jensen still remembers those nights.

This could have been one of those nights when they were too drunk to find their beds. It could have been one of those nights when they were too young and too tired to care about proper social behaviors.

But it isn’t. By gods, it isn’t.

He scoots a bit closer, willingly closes the distance between them for one more time and observes.  Jared is naked, just like Jensen is, but Jensen isn’t thinking about that. He isn’t thinking about the uncomfortable mess between them, isn’t paying attention to the sticky substance that leaks from in between his legs. Doesn’t even care about the things Jared did, doesn’t think about the mating scar on his hide, or the parasites in his womb.

He’ll clean up, in a minute- for now; he has to do something else.

With hesitant fingers he explores. Traces the curve of the generous mouth and follows the slopes that lead to sharp cheekbones. He isn’t touching, not really, fingertips hovering well above the threshold but close enough to feel the heat that radiates from Jared’s body.

This feels very intimate. More intimate than anything he has ever done with Jared.

Then, he invokes the words from another era, feels the vowels curl on his tongue, tastes the promise in them.

In the softest of voices he whispers.

“Not long now, Jay. Not at all,”  

There is a perverse satisfaction in it. Jay was Jensen’s best friend, his kid brother, his family. Jay was Jensen’s responsibility, his to protect and support. There was a time when Jay was the reason behind Jensen’s smiles. He was the thing that kept Jensen from going crazy. It only feels right to say goodbye to that kid, even if it was done like this.

Watches as Jared’s eyelids flutter behind the closed eyes as if he is dreaming about something. Jensen doesn’t want to wake him up, because there is no use in it.

This is for Jensen. There is nothing here for Jared to witness. Jared has already lost the right, and that kid brother Jensen had, is already dead.

And Jensen resists the urge to drop one last kiss on Jared’s forehead, dismisses the thought before it occupies any place in his mind.  

 

The results come back on Wednesday.

Misha collects the thick envelope from the lab and takes it to his office, closes the door and pushes the latch before opening the reports.

He can’t deny that he is excited, very excited. And when he is excited he is prone to commit mistakes. So he tends to take precautions. Postponing the immediate appointments is not difficult when he is already known as that ‘weird doctor’. And it’s not like his schedule is full or anything.

The reports don’t disappoint him, in fact they manage to surprise him.

The rare gene mutation is there, just like he expected. All omegas carry the mutated gene sequence regardless of the gender. Misha recalls the countless debates he’d had with his colleagues, remembers the numerous theories that surround this mysterious condition.

When the mutations started occurring –reactions were mixed. The wars had wiped out a significant portion of population and a mutation that guaranteed more children was seen as a blessing. A subtle gift given to mankind by the mother nature herself- that was the official slogan.

But it hadn’t taken long before the blessing had turned into a curse. And it had taken only a few years before the omegas were reduced to second class citizens.

Misha knew all about that.

Now, he stares at the report once again and decides to make calls.

The first one is straightforward. According to the current omega-friendly initiative a doctor has the rights to enquire about his omega patients. Of course, he doesn’t have the authority to speak to them directly, but he can always contact their legal guardians and insist them on a follow up.

In this case, he has to speak to Jensen’s alpha. Now, in light of the new information he can't let Jensen go to another doctor. If he has to beg Jensen's alpha- he would. 

Jared, he thinks that is the name. But before that he has to make another call, a very important one.

He hopes that the he is not under surveillance and recalls the number from the memory and dials. It's an unlisted one, and as always she picks exactly at third ring.

“Danneel, we have one sample,” waits for a breath and adds "verified."


	31. Chapter 31

For one, breathless moment, the line stays silent- Misha hears the hitch in her breath, and imagines the look on her face. It is gratifying to know that she is as affected as he is.

When the seconds turns into minutes, he asks.

“Are you there?”

“Yes,” She says, tone wavering between disbelief and acceptance, steady enough to reassure him, already assuming the role that suits her so well. When she speaks again, that temporary hesitation is gone from her voice, absent, as if it had never existed in the first place.

“You clean?” She asks, all businesslike.

“Of course,”

“Are you sure? Let me run a quick check. Give me a second,”

He’s calling her via an unlisted number, and it is not easy to listen or track this call without some serious effort. They rarely talk on phone and when they do they are always careful. Moreover, Misha is not under radar, he is a valuable citizen with a respectable career – there is no reason for the government to keep him under surveillance.  Yet, she is taking extra precautions now, because, they can’t afford to make mistakes.

“Oaky. Coast is clear. Now, tell me in detail,”

So he explains. The report is lying on his desk, but he has already memorized the contents.  The anomalies in the DNA structure, the unusual mutation of the newly formed omega gene, and the specific implications of the said mutation. Thoughts are running in his head, even as he talks in a monotone.

She listens without interrupting him as if she is taking notes.

“His eyes change color? That implies that he has control over his animal. Are you certain about this? Maybe you were mistaken, we have had false positives before,”

Misha swallows and answers.

“I’m sure. It is hard to explain, I have the results with me, but it is more than that. You haven’t seen him, you weren’t there….”  

There is something here, a quite sensation, a fascination that grows within him, governing his words. It is not that he wants to covet this omega or the fame that will be sure to accompany him once the facts become public, but something inside him, wants to keep Jensen a secret- at least for now.

She is a beta, she is not affected by the rules that govern alphas and omegas, and she will not understand this. Or if she does, she will take it as mere attraction, which is so far from the truth.

“Misha,” Her voice shifts now, steely edge to the soft silk, friendly yet firm enough to remind him who is in charge of this conversation.

“You want me there?”

“No, let me handle this,”

"For now," She says.

The orders he receive are crisp and clear. They are impersonal enough to not to cross the lines of empathy, specific enough to treat Jensen as a test subject rather than a fellow human being.  He knows that she is not heartless; she is simply following the golden rule. Don't get attached to your subjects, keep your eyes on the result, not the methods applied.

"You know what will happen to this omega if government gets him, we are the best option he has" Danneel reminds him.

“Schedule a meeting with him. Make friends with his alpha. Monitor his progress. Don’t take anyone into confidence.”

With that she disconnects the call. Misha waits a few moments before dialing the second number.

Make friends with his alpha-Now, he can start with that.   

 

Jensen shivers as the drops of water hit his face. He changes controls to adjust water pressure, tries different combinations to get that perfect temperature but nothing seems to work for him. Warm, hot, cold- it doesn’t matter- dead liquid touching him in places without providing any real comfort.

The fever that burns him is not similar to the one he had during his first and only heat. His skin doesn’t itch with need; his body doesn’t crave another’s touch, his mind is not clouded with lust. With each passing minute, Jensen can feel the knots inside him getting undone, one twisty bit at a time. With each intake breathing becomes a little painless, as if the air is purifying him from the inside out.

Perhaps it is all in his imagination; perhaps he is slowly losing his mind. It is definitely possible.  

Jensen cleans himself with accurate, economic movements, washes the traces of the last night from his body. Let’s the evidence drain with used up, dirty water. When he is done, he takes a slow breath.

The mirror is covered in mist. Jensen uses his fingers to clear the surface so that he will be able to see more than his silhouette.

At first, he avoids looking, averts his eyes so that he is not staring his reflection in the face. There is something forbidden here, as if he lacks the moral ground to meet his own eyes. Naked like this, he has no reason to wear the façade, no reason to keep himself hidden under the layers.

He avoids doing this, seeing this body, as much as he can, unless he has no other choice. Today, he wants to.

How much can he endure? In theory-he can go through anything if it means he can get rid of the parasites.

He will do it like this, one fine morning, while Jared will be sleeping and dreaming, Jensen will slowly start pushing the needles inside his body. He will hold his breath, will not cry out even when the pain will hit him without notice, he will stay strong and keep his eyes on the target.

He will not make a mess. He will keep it together; he will not let Jared know until he becomes certain that parasites are destroyed. Then, only then, he will tell Jared, in detail.

The satisfaction he gets from the thought is immense, the joy it brings bordering on sexual gratification. But, it is just a thought, because Jensen is not far gone to realize that following this course of action will only lead to death or suicide. It’s way better to use the other, less harmful alternatives.

Also, he has to see parasites, no; he has to show them to Jared. He will let Jared have that.

With that thought running in his mind, Jensen looks up. And what he sees in the mirror takes his breath away.  


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos, comments, speculations- I welcome them all:)

Jensen looks up and meets the eyes of the stranger in the mirror.

It’s in the eyes, in his eyes.  

He knows the color of his eyes, it is impossible not to.

_Eyes up Jenny, I wanna see you being a good bitch. Keep them on me._

_Your eyes are so beautiful Jenny, big and green, like that of a Disney princess. Exactly like a Disney princess._

Now they are not. They are not green or soft or sensual.

They are different, altered and twisted and alien. All traces of green gone from the pupils, instead bright embers flash and burn, like lightning flashing the sky before a thunderstorm.

Fire, it’s as if the fire inside him has engulfed him, has swallowed him whole until there is nothing left to savor and now it is spilling out from his eyes, because he can no longer contain it inside his body. An empty vessel filled to the brims and leaking, waiting for the explosion to happen. He looks again, in equal amounts fascinated and repulsed, almost hypnotized by his own reflection.

This better be not another desert dream for Jensen is fed up of them. This better be not another illusion.

It tells a lot about how far he has come in the past few weeks, as he doesn’t flinch when he sees the gold around his eyelids. Gold swirls in his eyes, fills his vision like desert sand in the mid-day sun, both beautiful and deadly violent.

Light pools around him, a silent halo of ultraviolet surrounding him, framing him, as if he is attracting the wayward beams, as if he is the center in this whirlwind of colors.

Jensen’s lips twitch upward in a smile that is not really a smile, and the apparition in the mirror replies in kind.  Or it is the other way around, he is not so sure.

This is tangible, this is proof, and this is validation.

His mind races, runs along the laser sharp edge of the reason to come up with an explanation.

And honestly, there is only one he can think of.

_Alpha eyes._

It looks awfully like that. But, wasn’t that a legend, just stuff of fairy tales? Written in the stories he used to read for Jared?

_Apparently not._  

And just like that, Jensen knows.

  

Danneel gets the reports sooner than she expected. Misha is good at his job, as punctual as ever. He sends them through the same channels that deal with all other illegal activities. The entire bottom dwelling piranha uses these routes to acquire commodities that are legitimately unavailable for some or other reason. Like always, government tries to monitor the trade, but anyone with half-a-brain knows that it is impossible to put a stop to them. Be it drugs or weapons, the system doesn’t really care as long as casualties are under control. Don’t cross the threshold, don’t raise the alarms and you’ll be fine.

Money matters a lot and she has enough to shut a few mouths, if or when required.

She drives to the nearest town to collect the package from there. Usually she wouldn’t do this, she’d just send some grunt to get the goods, or she’d ask Misha to send the files through e-mail, but the news of recent arrests has her on high alert. Better to get the package from a neutral location, keeps her safe and out of unwanted enquiries. With the current political climate she prefers to fly under the radar.

The birth rate is dropping fast, reaching to an all-time low and authorities are reconsidering their stance on alpha-omega conversions, and omega rights. She sniggers at the thought. Omega rights- those rights have to exist before they can be taken back.

It’s happening everywhere, which is why she has to act fast, before one of the states come up with another alternative. Like a drug that ensures the conversion. They haven't found the mechanism that induces alpha gene to mutate into omega gene, but it is not for the lack of trying.  

Within hours she is back, in the safety of her house.

The package sits on her desk, untampered and innocuous, unopened for the moment. She’ll have to unwrap it to validate the claims made by one Misha Collins.   

It’s not that he is not trustworthy, that is for from the truth, and he’s proven his worth in the past. But, under all that loyalty, he’s still an alpha and she does consider that variable in any equation- especially when an omega is involved.

Inside, she finds the documents and reports. There is a case file, filled with neat rows of letters typed in black. A blood sample is not included, for that she would have to meet the omega in person.

There are photographs too.  She is naturally curious so she checks them out.

The image quality is not very good, it leaves a lot to be desired, but it is still enough.

She is taken aback for a moment, for the omega is gorgeous, heartbreakingly so. She’s seen beauty before and usually she is not deterred by the sight of a pretty face, but something about his eyes, makes her ache in a way that is unfamiliar and unusual.

His eyes are hard and dark, in direct contrast to the pink bow of his lips. She’d call them vacant, if not for the determination that radiates through them. He’s sitting on a chair, waiting and his spine is a straight, tense line that cuts through the width of his shoulders in a tangent.

He looks like a bomb that is set to go off.

Brittle, that is what he is.

Not scared like the omegas she’d seen in the experiment rooms. Not docile like the ones she sees in the parks and community houses, not broken like the ones in the breeding centers.

She closes her eyes then, unable to block the images of broken, bruised, bleeding bodies flashing in her mind, etched like a footprint stamped on wet earth.  

Brittle, but not yet broken. He is not broken, and she will have to remember that.


	33. Author Update

I'm back. And if anyone is still reading/following this story, I want to thank you for your patience.

I've been largely disillusioned with the show and I hardly watch it anymore. And RL has been hectic and difficult, so I don't get much time for writing these days.

But this story is very important to me. I don't want to go into details, but a lot of the darkness in this story, a lot of hopelessness --that was written out of personal experience. I put a lot of myself in these characters (especially Jensen) so it doesn't feel right to move on without closure.

I won't promise that I will complete this story, but I promise that I'll try my best. I have the last part written but I do want to go there organically. And I want to take this journey with you all, I want to provide some relief after all the angst and the darkness.

I've been going through your comments and I am so so thankful for the support you have given me. I don't consider myself a writer, I just write what I feel, when I feel, so I really, really appreciate your lovely feedback.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorta nervous about this update, so feel free to let me know your thoughts.

Alpha eyes.

There is an instance, a negligible fraction of a second when time stops, when Jensen freezes. When he stands there like a deer in headlights, unaware, scared. Scared of his own reflection. 

There is a split second delay, a half heartbeat unrecorded, lost. 

But then, suddenly, instantly, the haze clears. 

There is no gradual, deliberate recognition, no sense of dawning understanding, no conscious thought process, instead it's sudden and discrete, almost instantaneous. 

It's a cold, cold flame, a pleasant burn that lights up his insides, an untold knowledge that possesses him. 

It’s instinctive. It’s inherent. It's like a limb regrown, a sense awoken. It's new and fragile, blind and curious. 

A vacant spot filled, a thread reconnected.

Jensen can't access the pathways, doesn't know how to, doesn't fully understand the ramifications. But a sense of relief, a sense of triumph fills him, makes him feel whole,  _unbroken_. 

 

Danneel doesn't want to get her hopes up, she hasn't seen this omega's test results, she hasn't asked Misha to test for the second gene mutation, she hasn't even met this green eyed omega in person, she hasn't looked into his eyes, hasn't touched him. 

All she has is a picture and a tip from a reliable -if slightly eccentric-source. 

Thing is, she hadn't been entirely honest with Misha. 

Oh, she trusts him, as much as she can trust anyone while being a wanted fugitive, and she does see the potential in Misha, knows that he is loyal, knows that she can count on him to have her back if and when the dangerous game she plays backfires. She'd trust him with her life, no questions asked and no holds barred, but when things are at stake, things that are more important and sacred than her own life then she doesn't want to take risks.  

At his heart, Misha is an intellectual, a scientist. And even-though he is open minded, there are lines he won't cross, ideas he won't entertain. They live in a fractured, dying world, a world where human DNA has been manipulated through unethical means, where people have been engineered into becoming mindless pleasure slaves, where free-will is inherently and unquestionably influenced by physical characteristics. They live in a world where Omegas are forced to obey their Alpha owners --not by choice but by biological compulsion --given that, she doesn't understand his reluctance or skepticism. 

But despite that, Misha's skepticism is not a flaw, it's a virtue. He's focused and dedicated, and his ignorance works well in her favor. 

Secrets within secrets, lies of omission, of misdirection. There is no one in whom she can confide, there is no one with whom she can share her dreams, no one who would fully understand or appreciate the bigger picture as she does. 

But that is her burden to carry, this loneliness is a direct result of the path she chooses to follow. 

She sighs, massages her temple with trigger hardened fingers to erase the head-ache forming behind her eye-lids and refocuses her thoughts to reflect the present situation. 

The photographs are still on her desk. And her eyes, inevitably and involuntarily trace the outline of the man who features in them. The omega who could be the one. 

There were stories about them. Stories from old times, from old world. 

Tales of powerful, mythical beings, of alphas who possessed unusual, almost supernatural abilities.

Alphas who could look at you and make you do things, no matter who you are, no matter how much you protested --alphas who made you listen or obey with just a look, with just a word. Alphas who could override the most basic evolutionary programming of self interest without even flexing a muscle. 

Alphas who could change into wolves, who could defy the laws of physics and energy conversion, who could live as beasts as easily as they lived as men.

Alphas who were feared, respected. Revered. Worshiped. 

There used to be stories about them, forgotten legends whispered and shared in the winter night by the light of campfires.

A lot of these stories were, indeed, over-hyped or outright false. A lot of these were nothing but the result of fantastic imagination. Mere smoke without fire. 

But every rumor starts somewhere, and every gossip has a shade of truth in it. So while a majority of these tales were decidedly false, some of them, some of them must have been true, some of them must have been based on reality, on factual occurrences. 

Each one of those stories had something in common. An innocuous physical symptom, a side-effect, a distinction that set these creatures apart from the normal population. A simple, visible mark of identification. 

The eyes. Golden, hypnotic, unnatural eyes. Alpha eyes. 

She looks at the picture again, at the omega who dares to sit so defiantly in the face of despair and wonders about the fire in his gaze and about the color of his eyes.


End file.
